Life is moving and things are changing whether I want them to or not. God is a big God and He is giving me big things to think about.

More to come.

P.S. Where is my "blogging community" these days?

Realizations of an Easy Life

Almost 3 months I've put this off. It's time for words to be vomited. This could be disastrous, considering I have no idea what I'm going to write...a "stream of consciousness", if you will. Summer has come and gone. It is characteristic of summer to be set apart as a time of changes or events...neither of which have been the case for me. Rather, for me it has been a season of realization...the realization that my "norm" is no longer the norm for me, and it never will be.

You see, most of my life I have been dependent on other people, places, & things to keep my life eventful & interesting, to keep my character developing, and to keep my faith growing. This went on for long enough that I first got used to it, and later became dependent on it. The problem with this is that for me and most people, the world shifts from a constant state of flux to a constant state of beige, much like the colors of my tiny cubicle. Coincidence? I think not.

Realization #1: I am now a grown-up. Or, perhaps more accurately, I neither think or feel that I am, nor do I want to be, yet life circumstances are forcing me to play the part. So, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a grown-up. As a grown-up, I can no longer be spoon fed. I can no longer depend on collegiate Christian bubbles or other people's time & money. I have been handed the reigns. While I continue to be watched by eyes above, what happens from here on out is entirely up to me. I can inevitably benefit somehow from any choice that I make. I have to be careful, though, because even worse than certain choices having adverse consequences, certain choices made can result in the losing out of favorable, life-changing benefits. So there you have it. I am allowed to make this life count for something. I am the only one who can. I can choose to capitalize on every interaction and opportunity that comes my way, and as a result, I can leave a legacy, or if nothing else, have some great stories to tell when I'm old & degenerate. My world may never again be black & white. Gray was never my favorite color, but I'll have to learn to live with that. I've experienced enough in my short life thus far that I would never wish for the worst person in the world to have to experience, so whatever wrong choices I make, I know I'll survive.

But survival is not the point!

I'm not as concerned with bad things happening as I am with missing out on the good in life. The training wheels have come off. Now I have to live very intentionally as if to create the good in my life. If you've mastered this, please stand up so we can acknowledge you. (This is the part where there's an awkward silence in a large auditorium, and the speaker makes the point that there's not a soul on the planet who has succeeded without some measure of difficulty & hard work.) I'm still on track. Not only am I familiar with difficulty & hard work, my life has been marked by it.

Realization #2: As much change & flux as there has been in my life thus far, this is the one thing that hasn't changed. I love change so much that I want the one constant in my life to be no more. I want things to be easy for a while...maybe even for good. The pulse within me that longs to seize each moment and make it mine is now being overshadowed by an even deeper, more resonant desire to stop working. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop (insert other synonyms). I want this so much that I'm willing to let life pass me by, to bear the remorse of this decision, and to simply exist - nothing more.

Here we go again - the spirit v. the flesh. Is anyone else as tired of this as I am? As part of this realization, all I can do is delay the inevitable reconciliation of this "stream of consciousness" with the knowledge that there is a God who is at work in every right or wrong choice I make, as well as the umbrella that holds it all. And that's exactly what I've been doing.

I think I'm finally about to break.

To Be Continued/Determined

Dangerous Ties

I've realized this much: it seems that in many ways I am living for the world (things that pass away) v. living for eternity (things that do not pass away), which I suppose is a part of the situation in which I am trapped. I know I do not want to be tied to this world but if someone gave me a check for $x0,000, I do not know if it would be that easy to let go of the things of this world I have grown accustomed to. However, I know I have made more difficult decisions than this, and I have never felt less obsolete than when I have devoted my world to serving someone other than myself.

I know there is a way out. I do not want it to take 10 years or more, but even if it does, there is a way out, and it will be worth it. I just have to find it. My soul depends on it.

New

I'm trying something new.

What that is exactly is not as important as the fact that it is new.

I could very well not succeed, but luckily, success is not the point.

Things have been unchanging for far too long.

YHWH

I find it interesting that in the Bible, the first time God refers to himself as "the LORD" (YHWH) is after he delivers the Israelites from slavery to the Egyptians. He then spends an entire book & a half reading them the specifics of His law. In doing so, He is sure to state his reasoning as "because I am the LORD" or "because I delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians". He asks them to follow His law and to follow it to the letter for this reason, but also because that is what is most pleasing to Him.

I am not going to pretend to be a Bible scholar or a super Christian - not even for a second. However, by connecting the dots, one could come to the conclusion that the name YHWH signifies a two-fold element of God's character: (1) He is holy, and as such, He takes his holiness very seriously; (2) nevertheless, He still cares for His people and will fight for them by whatever means necessary, knowing full well they are incapable of keeping His law and will rebel.

After several more cycles of restoration & rebellion between God & God's people, plus 400 years of silence, He chose to put an end to that law and establish a new covenant by sacrificing His Son in the flesh, thus ending our separation from the Holy of Holies. It is only in God's character to do only what is pleasing to Him. He could've accomplished this in any way He wanted, but instead chose to do this in our favor.

We can't keep His law on our own. He knows this. But, not only did He choose to be pleased with us, He chose to do so in our favor. Nothing we can do is worthy of earning God's love, grace, & forgiveness, nor is it necessary.

"In God we trust...even when He looks like the enemy."

Easter

Here's a quick thought I have:

Easter is not over.

Yes, it may only be designated on the calendar for one Sunday per year dependent on the vernal equinox (or something like that), but Biblically, it is here and now. Christ is alive & risen here and now. May we swallow our Cadbury bunnies and let this impact our lives everyday. Though I struggle to find how this should look in my life, I long to live in the power of His resurrection.

______________________________

On an entirely separate note, be looking for my EP in late 2009 (title to be determined). Maybe if I start saying this to people, I'll start working towards this and it will actually become true.

Balance

Current Location: Uncle Sassafras (car); parking lot at my apartment complex office
Currently Listening: Brooke Fraser
Currently Wanting: More


After another month-long hiatus, I'm afraid yet again I have very little to bring to the table.

This word has been very intriguing to me for the last several years - ever since the day I finally realized that I (and everyone else) am fallen, broken, and in desperate need of grace & mercy. The Bible says that for those who trust in Jesus to do so, they will be rescued from these bodies of sin & death. Until that day comes, for those who believe, Jesus asks us to live our lives in spite of this, reflecting the glory of the One who delivered us by living so much unlike who we are in our nature. He knows that until we leave these bodies, and until He comes to rule this earth, our flesh & spirit will war against each other for the balance of power in our lives. Far too often, that balance in my lives is shifted in the wrong direction. In a roundabout way, I think this is God's goal for me as I wait for Christ's return - balance. Balance between facing the truth of who I came into this world as, and eradicating that with the truth of who I am in Christ, and who God created me to be. I must confess:

This body cannot take much more.

We are an unbalanced people, of whom I am chief.

I'm ready for this power struggle to end.

I long for balance.

I long for Home.

God, help me.