You see, most of my life I have been dependent on other people, places, & things to keep my life eventful & interesting, to keep my character developing, and to keep my faith growing. This went on for long enough that I first got used to it, and later became dependent on it. The problem with this is that for me and most people, the world shifts from a constant state of flux to a constant state of beige, much like the colors of my tiny cubicle. Coincidence? I think not.
Realization #1: I am now a grown-up. Or, perhaps more accurately, I neither think or feel that I am, nor do I want to be, yet life circumstances are forcing me to play the part. So, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a grown-up. As a grown-up, I can no longer be spoon fed. I can no longer depend on collegiate Christian bubbles or other people's time & money. I have been handed the reigns. While I continue to be watched by eyes above, what happens from here on out is entirely up to me. I can inevitably benefit somehow from any choice that I make. I have to be careful, though, because even worse than certain choices having adverse consequences, certain choices made can result in the losing out of favorable, life-changing benefits. So there you have it. I am allowed to make this life count for something. I am the only one who can. I can choose to capitalize on every interaction and opportunity that comes my way, and as a result, I can leave a legacy, or if nothing else, have some great stories to tell when I'm old & degenerate. My world may never again be black & white. Gray was never my favorite color, but I'll have to learn to live with that. I've experienced enough in my short life thus far that I would never wish for the worst person in the world to have to experience, so whatever wrong choices I make, I know I'll survive.
But survival is not the point!
I'm not as concerned with bad things happening as I am with missing out on the good in life. The training wheels have come off. Now I have to live very intentionally as if to create the good in my life. If you've mastered this, please stand up so we can acknowledge you. (This is the part where there's an awkward silence in a large auditorium, and the speaker makes the point that there's not a soul on the planet who has succeeded without some measure of difficulty & hard work.) I'm still on track. Not only am I familiar with difficulty & hard work, my life has been marked by it.
Realization #2: As much change & flux as there has been in my life thus far, this is the one thing that hasn't changed. I love change so much that I want the one constant in my life to be no more. I want things to be easy for a while...maybe even for good. The pulse within me that longs to seize each moment and make it mine is now being overshadowed by an even deeper, more resonant desire to stop working. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop (insert other synonyms). I want this so much that I'm willing to let life pass me by, to bear the remorse of this decision, and to simply exist - nothing more.
Here we go again - the spirit v. the flesh. Is anyone else as tired of this as I am? As part of this realization, all I can do is delay the inevitable reconciliation of this "stream of consciousness" with the knowledge that there is a God who is at work in every right or wrong choice I make, as well as the umbrella that holds it all. And that's exactly what I've been doing.
I think I'm finally about to break.
To Be Continued/Determined
2 comments:
I have no good advice or answers, except the ones we already know:
Keep seeking, and you will find. (even though it may take much time). "The door will be opened to you."
We are weak, exhaustable, prone to depravity, often get frustrated, limited. The LORD is the everlasting God. He does not faint or grow weary. He gives power to the faint, and to him that has no might, he increases strength. (Isaiah 40) We will always have problems as long as we are in this world; some of us will have much more than others. But as our problems surround us, we are told to praise God. As we praise God, we find that our problems (big as they are) truly dwarf in his presence.
Love you, man. I wish it were easier on you. Thanks for your "stream of consciousness."
WV: "reflu" as in getting the flu again.
I enjoyed that 'stream of consciousness' (sadly I had to use spell check to spell consciousness). pathetic.
It doesn't matter how much time I spend in the Word or in prayer, the whole irritating battle of flesh vs. spirit is exhausting. Unfortunately I keep learning, over and over, that as much as I hate the difficulty, it is in fact what forces me to grow up and act like an adult. (haha, adult). But I think community makes it a lot easier to deal with all the junk in our lives. It's just harder to find out of college.
Anyway, at least we still have the community from college to encourage and whatnot, even if it's inconsistent and from a distance.
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