Killin' Time

I have reached a painful conclusion: I feel this is what I've been doing for the past several months.

In several ways, this is a very good thing. For example, I've been out of college for over a year; for me, college meant, for the most part, all work and no play. I still wonder if I'm fully recovered from burnout. Those who know me know that I give my all in anything and everything...until I reach burnout.

However, somewhere in the mundane, I believe I was really connecting with people and doing other things which matter in light of eternity. I honestly can't say I feel the same way about this current season in my life.

Case in point: the music minister at my church is rotating me in & out to play acoustic guitar (and maybe sing in his "mini-choir"). Last night I practiced with the praise team for the first time. Even with being plugged into 3 different pedals and an in-ear monitor, the reality is that with drums, bass, two electric guitars, keys, and multiple singers, an acoustic guitar is a subtle addition at best. I know from my experience in similar setups that I have never been able to hear the acoustic guitar underneath anything...except 1 other acoustic guitar. While this is in part my response to conviction that I need to be serving in my local church somehow, it's hard to convince myself I'm not just a warm body wasting space. Disclaimer: I know that both big and small acts of service count in the eyes of God, and I am not denying that.

Since moving to KS, I have fallen into a "peer group", per se. They're great when I want to do fun stuff and for the sake of not being by myself. Things appear good and healthy to anyone that would look upon me...and us. However, let's face it - they haven't connected with me, and I haven't connected with them. They don't know where I've been, what I've faced, what I've experienced, who I've known, or the full extent of my extremely Type-C complex personality. I'm certain I've either been pegged as too much or too little.

I recently had a birthday lunch at Lambert's Cafe, where there were far more attendees than I ever anticipated, thereby causing me to further stretch my mingling skills. Reality hit me hard when for the sake of former college acquaintances, I had little to account for over the last year or so. And of course, I didn't talk about when my car flooded because I wasn't thinking about it, and it's hard for me to condense that.

I am by no means just sitting around and having myself a pity party, nor am I seeking your attention. Those days are left in the dust with Xanga. Besides, I somehow keep myself busy with plenty of things. Nevertheless, for the sake of making myself write and keeping this blog updated, this is where I am at today...just killin' time.