Snow & I have a very interesting relationship with some very quirky dynamics.
Once it hits the ground, it is one of my least favorite things in the world. I am not a fan of how quickly it accumulates & piles up. That's bad enough, and then it gets even worse when the cold air freezes it over and it remains in large piles which obstruct parking lots (which is extra fun when you live in a cheap apartment complex). I am not a fan of how easily it gets tracked everywhere indoors. The overall general dirtiness of floors is only that much more accentuated. Carpets & rugs are ruined which are otherwise meant for decor & "homeliness". The worst part is how man has intervened with their melting salts which leaves its off-white residue all over our floors & vehicles. For me, living in the Midwest means constantly living in fear of washing my car because I never know when Mother Nature is going to get passive-aggressive next. Few feelings are worse than the feeling one gets when precipitation falls immediately after a car wash; snow & ice are the worst because nothing is dirtier than snow or ice mixed in with salt. As a result of the adverse effects of snow, I find myself not wanting to go outdoors. I hibernate, choosing the comfort of my own home over more important things such as exercise and social interactions. I would gain so much weight during these periods as well, except that this is me we're talking about....
However, as of late, it has become one of my most favorite things in the world - before it hits the ground, that is. There is nothing more serene, relaxing, or calming than just being still and watching those little white fluffies falling from the sky. In fact, a large part of my Christmas Day was spent doing that very same thing from the comfort of an indoor porch swing. Today, it is difficult to return to my desk in lieu of being lost in an euphoric wintery daze.
In retrospect, cherish the little things in life. Find the good in all things and thank God for them. Don't take the little things for granted, or else they may take you for granted (?).
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monday, November 30, 2009
When God Threw Me a Bone
My heart has been on a journey for the last several weeks. On this journey I have had to let go of many of my expectations of God pertaining to his plans for me. Of course, now that I'm technically in my late 20s, and still alone in a big city (for the most part), I don't feel I had any other recourse unless I wanted to continue writhing in self-pity.
So I chose the former. I threw my pre-conceived notions of my future (or at least my desires for my future) out the window. I have spent a lot of time singing songs about it ("To God my deepest heart...You have all my heart"; "In Your freedom I will live...I offer devotion") that it was time to worship in a Romans 12 way and live my empty words out. I knew full well this wouldn't happen in a day, so I took the one-day-at-a-time approach.
Before I knew it, I was finding my ample opportunities to be alone very welcoming. I knew nothing & no one else could fill me, and for once, I didn't want anything else. To let God & God alone fill my life has been a daily conscious goal for me, and in that I've found myself distracted from the source of my self-pity: myself.
The next thing I knew, God was throwing me a bone. This didn't happen in the sense that He snapped His fingers to my exact specifications. Instead, He gave me an opportunity to step up & step out in faith so that He too could show Himself faithful. Now I find myself on a brand new journey of sorts that is due to last an indeterminable amount of time.
The journey tastes sweet and I'm looking forward to new challenges & growth opportunities ahead. I now know that apart from the Lord, though, this part of my life cannot live up to its fullest potential...and I don't think I want it any other way. Therefore, I will continue to wait patiently each day and strive to walk in the freedom to become more like Jesus.
So I chose the former. I threw my pre-conceived notions of my future (or at least my desires for my future) out the window. I have spent a lot of time singing songs about it ("To God my deepest heart...You have all my heart"; "In Your freedom I will live...I offer devotion") that it was time to worship in a Romans 12 way and live my empty words out. I knew full well this wouldn't happen in a day, so I took the one-day-at-a-time approach.
Before I knew it, I was finding my ample opportunities to be alone very welcoming. I knew nothing & no one else could fill me, and for once, I didn't want anything else. To let God & God alone fill my life has been a daily conscious goal for me, and in that I've found myself distracted from the source of my self-pity: myself.
The next thing I knew, God was throwing me a bone. This didn't happen in the sense that He snapped His fingers to my exact specifications. Instead, He gave me an opportunity to step up & step out in faith so that He too could show Himself faithful. Now I find myself on a brand new journey of sorts that is due to last an indeterminable amount of time.
The journey tastes sweet and I'm looking forward to new challenges & growth opportunities ahead. I now know that apart from the Lord, though, this part of my life cannot live up to its fullest potential...and I don't think I want it any other way. Therefore, I will continue to wait patiently each day and strive to walk in the freedom to become more like Jesus.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Realizations of an Easy Life
Almost 3 months I've put this off. It's time for words to be vomited. This could be disastrous, considering I have no idea what I'm going to write...a "stream of consciousness", if you will. Summer has come and gone. It is characteristic of summer to be set apart as a time of changes or events...neither of which have been the case for me. Rather, for me it has been a season of realization...the realization that my "norm" is no longer the norm for me, and it never will be.
You see, most of my life I have been dependent on other people, places, & things to keep my life eventful & interesting, to keep my character developing, and to keep my faith growing. This went on for long enough that I first got used to it, and later became dependent on it. The problem with this is that for me and most people, the world shifts from a constant state of flux to a constant state of beige, much like the colors of my tiny cubicle. Coincidence? I think not.
Realization #1: I am now a grown-up. Or, perhaps more accurately, I neither think or feel that I am, nor do I want to be, yet life circumstances are forcing me to play the part. So, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a grown-up. As a grown-up, I can no longer be spoon fed. I can no longer depend on collegiate Christian bubbles or other people's time & money. I have been handed the reigns. While I continue to be watched by eyes above, what happens from here on out is entirely up to me. I can inevitably benefit somehow from any choice that I make. I have to be careful, though, because even worse than certain choices having adverse consequences, certain choices made can result in the losing out of favorable, life-changing benefits. So there you have it. I am allowed to make this life count for something. I am the only one who can. I can choose to capitalize on every interaction and opportunity that comes my way, and as a result, I can leave a legacy, or if nothing else, have some great stories to tell when I'm old & degenerate. My world may never again be black & white. Gray was never my favorite color, but I'll have to learn to live with that. I've experienced enough in my short life thus far that I would never wish for the worst person in the world to have to experience, so whatever wrong choices I make, I know I'll survive.
But survival is not the point!
I'm not as concerned with bad things happening as I am with missing out on the good in life. The training wheels have come off. Now I have to live very intentionally as if to create the good in my life. If you've mastered this, please stand up so we can acknowledge you. (This is the part where there's an awkward silence in a large auditorium, and the speaker makes the point that there's not a soul on the planet who has succeeded without some measure of difficulty & hard work.) I'm still on track. Not only am I familiar with difficulty & hard work, my life has been marked by it.
Realization #2: As much change & flux as there has been in my life thus far, this is the one thing that hasn't changed. I love change so much that I want the one constant in my life to be no more. I want things to be easy for a while...maybe even for good. The pulse within me that longs to seize each moment and make it mine is now being overshadowed by an even deeper, more resonant desire to stop working. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop (insert other synonyms). I want this so much that I'm willing to let life pass me by, to bear the remorse of this decision, and to simply exist - nothing more.
Here we go again - the spirit v. the flesh. Is anyone else as tired of this as I am? As part of this realization, all I can do is delay the inevitable reconciliation of this "stream of consciousness" with the knowledge that there is a God who is at work in every right or wrong choice I make, as well as the umbrella that holds it all. And that's exactly what I've been doing.
I think I'm finally about to break.
To Be Continued/Determined
You see, most of my life I have been dependent on other people, places, & things to keep my life eventful & interesting, to keep my character developing, and to keep my faith growing. This went on for long enough that I first got used to it, and later became dependent on it. The problem with this is that for me and most people, the world shifts from a constant state of flux to a constant state of beige, much like the colors of my tiny cubicle. Coincidence? I think not.
Realization #1: I am now a grown-up. Or, perhaps more accurately, I neither think or feel that I am, nor do I want to be, yet life circumstances are forcing me to play the part. So, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a grown-up. As a grown-up, I can no longer be spoon fed. I can no longer depend on collegiate Christian bubbles or other people's time & money. I have been handed the reigns. While I continue to be watched by eyes above, what happens from here on out is entirely up to me. I can inevitably benefit somehow from any choice that I make. I have to be careful, though, because even worse than certain choices having adverse consequences, certain choices made can result in the losing out of favorable, life-changing benefits. So there you have it. I am allowed to make this life count for something. I am the only one who can. I can choose to capitalize on every interaction and opportunity that comes my way, and as a result, I can leave a legacy, or if nothing else, have some great stories to tell when I'm old & degenerate. My world may never again be black & white. Gray was never my favorite color, but I'll have to learn to live with that. I've experienced enough in my short life thus far that I would never wish for the worst person in the world to have to experience, so whatever wrong choices I make, I know I'll survive.
But survival is not the point!
I'm not as concerned with bad things happening as I am with missing out on the good in life. The training wheels have come off. Now I have to live very intentionally as if to create the good in my life. If you've mastered this, please stand up so we can acknowledge you. (This is the part where there's an awkward silence in a large auditorium, and the speaker makes the point that there's not a soul on the planet who has succeeded without some measure of difficulty & hard work.) I'm still on track. Not only am I familiar with difficulty & hard work, my life has been marked by it.
Realization #2: As much change & flux as there has been in my life thus far, this is the one thing that hasn't changed. I love change so much that I want the one constant in my life to be no more. I want things to be easy for a while...maybe even for good. The pulse within me that longs to seize each moment and make it mine is now being overshadowed by an even deeper, more resonant desire to stop working. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop (insert other synonyms). I want this so much that I'm willing to let life pass me by, to bear the remorse of this decision, and to simply exist - nothing more.
Here we go again - the spirit v. the flesh. Is anyone else as tired of this as I am? As part of this realization, all I can do is delay the inevitable reconciliation of this "stream of consciousness" with the knowledge that there is a God who is at work in every right or wrong choice I make, as well as the umbrella that holds it all. And that's exactly what I've been doing.
I think I'm finally about to break.
To Be Continued/Determined
Friday, June 19, 2009
Dangerous Ties
I've realized this much: it seems that in many ways I am living for the world (things that pass away) v. living for eternity (things that do not pass away), which I suppose is a part of the situation in which I am trapped. I know I do not want to be tied to this world but if someone gave me a check for $x0,000, I do not know if it would be that easy to let go of the things of this world I have grown accustomed to. However, I know I have made more difficult decisions than this, and I have never felt less obsolete than when I have devoted my world to serving someone other than myself.
I know there is a way out. I do not want it to take 10 years or more, but even if it does, there is a way out, and it will be worth it. I just have to find it. My soul depends on it.
I know there is a way out. I do not want it to take 10 years or more, but even if it does, there is a way out, and it will be worth it. I just have to find it. My soul depends on it.
Friday, May 29, 2009
New
I'm trying something new.
What that is exactly is not as important as the fact that it is new.
I could very well not succeed, but luckily, success is not the point.
Things have been unchanging for far too long.
What that is exactly is not as important as the fact that it is new.
I could very well not succeed, but luckily, success is not the point.
Things have been unchanging for far too long.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
YHWH
I find it interesting that in the Bible, the first time God refers to himself as "the LORD" (YHWH) is after he delivers the Israelites from slavery to the Egyptians. He then spends an entire book & a half reading them the specifics of His law. In doing so, He is sure to state his reasoning as "because I am the LORD" or "because I delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians". He asks them to follow His law and to follow it to the letter for this reason, but also because that is what is most pleasing to Him.
I am not going to pretend to be a Bible scholar or a super Christian - not even for a second. However, by connecting the dots, one could come to the conclusion that the name YHWH signifies a two-fold element of God's character: (1) He is holy, and as such, He takes his holiness very seriously; (2) nevertheless, He still cares for His people and will fight for them by whatever means necessary, knowing full well they are incapable of keeping His law and will rebel.
After several more cycles of restoration & rebellion between God & God's people, plus 400 years of silence, He chose to put an end to that law and establish a new covenant by sacrificing His Son in the flesh, thus ending our separation from the Holy of Holies. It is only in God's character to do only what is pleasing to Him. He could've accomplished this in any way He wanted, but instead chose to do this in our favor.
We can't keep His law on our own. He knows this. But, not only did He choose to be pleased with us, He chose to do so in our favor. Nothing we can do is worthy of earning God's love, grace, & forgiveness, nor is it necessary.
I am not going to pretend to be a Bible scholar or a super Christian - not even for a second. However, by connecting the dots, one could come to the conclusion that the name YHWH signifies a two-fold element of God's character: (1) He is holy, and as such, He takes his holiness very seriously; (2) nevertheless, He still cares for His people and will fight for them by whatever means necessary, knowing full well they are incapable of keeping His law and will rebel.
After several more cycles of restoration & rebellion between God & God's people, plus 400 years of silence, He chose to put an end to that law and establish a new covenant by sacrificing His Son in the flesh, thus ending our separation from the Holy of Holies. It is only in God's character to do only what is pleasing to Him. He could've accomplished this in any way He wanted, but instead chose to do this in our favor.
We can't keep His law on our own. He knows this. But, not only did He choose to be pleased with us, He chose to do so in our favor. Nothing we can do is worthy of earning God's love, grace, & forgiveness, nor is it necessary.
"In God we trust...even when He looks like the enemy."
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