I'm Not Who I Was

Dear World,

It has been almost two years since I have written a blog post. You may have missed a lot, but if so, you also haven't missed much. My wife & I still have our same jobs. We became homeowners just over a year ago; however, we moved across the state line to be closer to her job (a mile away, to be exact), closer to her side of the family, and to get more house for our money - literally, our new home is twice the size of the home we rented in KS, yet similar in market value. My commute is now 40-45 minutes on average. My gut has gained about 40 pounds since my last post. Most days we try to eat healthy and exercise. And other boring stuff that either I'm forgetting and/or is just not worth the effort to type.

I know I have things to say, but only because so does everyone else. I generally struggle to find my voice these days, let alone inspiration. With that being said, however, I want to assure you that I'm just as (if not more) complicated as ever, and I continue to learn frightening things about myself.

I'm here because, in my haphazard praying and soul-searching, I think the Lord is impressing upon me to begin sharing my story publicly. All of it. Things that may make you uncomfortable, and that undoubtedly make me uncomfortable to share. This blog is entitled "Fake It Until You Make It" - a common saying, but one I didn't pick up until my last semester of college from a psychology/counseling professor (also a psychiatrist). However, I'm not sure that's appropriate any longer, as there are days that neither "faking it" or "making it" are possible, if I'm being honest.

I'm clueless as to what I'm going to say or how this is going to look. The only thing I can attest to, based on scripture and real life, is that Jesus Christ is most revealed when we are destitute. If, in going through with this, the Holy Spirit reaches even one person in any way whatsoever, it is worthwhile, even if I don't see fruit on this side of eternity.

So, now that this is out there, hold me accountable.

Love.

$425.26 -or- 4:25-26

In our "household" of two the finances are my job. We have our regular checking account, a regular savings account, and a "gift fund" that I normally keep balanced on my own spreadsheet. However, the tab on the spreadsheet that I use to balance our checking account actually includes credit card transactions as well as direct debits/purchases from the checking account - to ensure that we're only spending money that we actually have. I know...how un-American. Though we're months away from this at best, my wife and I are having more serious conversations about buying our first home, which we haven't done because we've been focused on zero-ing out our other debts and paying for our recent trip to Europe. I probably sound like a yuppie but I assure you I am far from it - our combined income is well under the median income for an individual in JoCo and we had to spend months scrimping and saving for this trip; plus, we wanted to make it happen in our likely short-lived stage of life as DINKs (dual-income, no kids). But, I digress. This has led me to keep a closer eye on our credit. Thanks to the free services of CreditKarma.com I've learned that it's better (credit-wise, at least) to maintain a 1-20% balance throughout your lines of available credit than it is to maintain a zero-balance. Therefore, until we reach said milestone, I've shifted from paying off our credit card daily to paying it off monthly. As a result I've mostly been using bank statements and credit card statements only to reconcile purchases and purchase amounts, not balances, which I've exclusively tracked on my own personal spreadsheet...

...until tonight. I just paid off our monthly balance. The balances of our savings account and "gift fund" matched my records. We have only two purchases on the credit card since the billing cycle started over. So, I decided to do the easy math of subtracting the roughly $35 of credit card purchases from the checking account balance.

Compared to the spreadsheet, we have an extra $425.26 in our bank account.

Call it what you will but given the trip and what's turned out to be a summer of car repairs (and more to come!), on top of our lack of house (in our names, that is), all of which I've done my fair share of lamenting for, this was a breath of fresh air. $425.26 - that's several tenths of a percent down payment toward a home! Then my mind went a couple of places:

The church we currently attend has a non-traditional living-room atmosphere which allows for the sharing of "God-sightings". I haven't done well in that department lately, lacking the motivation to look for God while failing to find Him when I try. I'm honestly on the fence as far as how to discern which events are a direct act or intervention of God and which are more a by-product of the world we live in, which He created, and in which He is present in every fathom of everything, regardless of my ability to "see" or "find" Him. However, our pastor often shares stories of his "young married" days - sharing a small apartment in the ghetto with his bride, attending seminary full-time, and working for next-to-nothing. Yet, they faithfully gave their "tithe" to the Lord when they justifiably could've held onto it amidst their constant financial struggles. Somehow their "numbers" had them in the negative but every month they were actually in the positive. My pastor, like me, is exceptionally detail-oriented and arguably OCD (except x100) so I'm confident that he's sharing a true story.

Which is it? Either I fudged the numbers or God is the guilty party. I honestly don't have the answer but I'm convinced He was present in this either way. With that being said I wonder what His purpose was in this. Yes, I know God is my loving Heavenly Father and he wants to bless me and do things to make me happy as any loving father would, I'm sure, but He's God so there could be more to this, right?

People who chalk up everything in life to divine intervention annoy me, so I promise that is far from what I'm doing. However, just for fun, I played that role. Here's what came up when I searched Google for 4:25-26 - as in verses 25 and 26 of the 4th chapter of a book of the Bible, but not any one book in particular (out of context, I'm sure, but humor me):

Genesis: "And Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and called his name Seth, for she said, 'God has appointed for me another offspring instead of Abel, for Cain killed him.' To Seth also a son was born, and he called his name Enosh. At that time people began to call upon the name of the LORD."

Deuteronomy: "'When you father children and children's children, and have grown old in the land, if you act corruptly by making a carved image in the form of anything, and by doing what is evil in the sight of the LORD your God, so as to provoke Him to anger, I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that you will soon utterly perish from the land that you are going over the Jordan to possess. You will not live long in it, but be utterly destroyed.'"

John: "The woman said to him, 'I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things.' Jesus said to her, 'I who speak to you am he.'"

Was God trying to tell me something through this "divine bank error"? I'm doubtful, honestly. The three passages are quite disconnected from one another in their original contexts. All it tells us is that people called on God, He came, and when they left God it was to their own detriment. Well, I'm still here. I'm not in good shape by any means but I'm also not "utterly destroyed. That must mean God is here, too.

At the end of the day that's all we need to know or hear.

Organic Isolation

While I am very happy living where I am, for me a major criticism of life in a large city is how difficult it is to live near most people you love and/or care about. Because everything is so spread out, one is forced into a lifestyle of driving and more driving - to work, to shop, to have fun, and even to be with said loved ones. One cannot survive without a vehicle among all other basic necessities, therefore one must work to survive (though that is arguably more of a universal truth that applies even outside of a large spread-out Midwestern city with a poor excuse for a public transit system). This, among other things, lends itself to feelings of isolation - at least I've found this to be true for myself, but I'm also confident that I'm not alone.

One of my favorite things about being married to my spouse is that we equally value rest. We also share the conviction that God values rest even more than we do and that we are ultimately made for an eternal rest with Him and in Him. Therefore we are slowly beginning to practice honoring the Sabbath - what God intended as a day of absence from the things that wear us down, notably work (not including the life-giving variety, though I've personally found this hard to come by) and this Western lifestyle of useless busyness. We've chosen Saturday for our Sabbath as we feel it most closely lines up with the Biblical Sabbath and it's the one day of the week neither of us have any regularly-scheduled obligations.

Thankfully we were able to sleep in together for about 9 hours this Saturday morning, however we were still very disappointed that we had to begin our Saturday by facing the pre-Snowpocalypse 2014.2 grocery-hoarding mobs of our city - and at an earlier time than we typically prefer to begin "doing stuff" on a Saturday. However this adventure brought us a pleasant surprise as we ran into two friends and a family member among many from whom we normally feel isolated. Perhaps it was the Starbucks caffeine that we enjoyed along the way but this turned into one of the most wonderful experiences we've had in our time living here together. In a way, it felt like we were in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. In a way...we felt at home.

A few truths I'm reminded of as result of this experience:

1) God knows us, knows what it's like to be us, and truly cares for us. He's the only one who knows what we truly need when we need it and more often than not will provide for us when we least expect. I won't try to argue that every seemingly-random occurrence equals divine intervention but I am fully convinced that there is no coincidence that takes place outside of His grasp.

2) We are created to be in community with God and with one another. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs every single one of us desires to be known by others (though there are many who have yet to recognize this in their own lives). Nevertheless, community takes work, and if we're truly honest with ourselves we forsake gathering with others because we just don't want to do the work. Instead we become obsessed with our own respective family units and bent toward the American Dream (a half-truth at best). (Note: I am completely for the institution of the family and believe our world would be a better place if everyone truly valued and prioritized the family. My point is that we are made to interact with a variety of people and this can only happen outside of our own walls.)

3) The aforementioned events took place at our local Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Shop organic (local, if possible, is best). Aside from avoiding the risk of consuming food products grown/raised in fecal-infested conditions perhaps there are other benefits to doing so.

4) I almost became guilty of my own pet peeve: posting blog-worthy content where it doesn't belong - "the Facebook". Thankfully it crashed and I was given the opportunity to redeem myself. I am thankful that Jesus is full of mercy and grace for a hypocrite such as myself.

Chick-fil-a, Homosexuality, and Christianity: An Epidemic and an Apology

Note: Though this isn't a popular or well-written blog that is ever likely to receive a lot of feedback, please be advised that anything other than a peaceful, civil discussion is not welcome here. Any comments that I find to be unkind, hateful, derogatory, flammatory, etc. will be deleted.

If you're reading this you're undoubtedly aware that there's some heat flowing in social networks and the media about a particular fast food chicken establishment; their views (one way or the other) on the family, free speech, and certain groups of people; and everyone else's views on the matter as well. It seems everyone has an opinion and if they have their way then everyone else is sure as hell going to hear it.

If I may, I don't have anything deeply profound or horribly controversial to share on the subject, but I would like to offer a simple, yet alternative, point-of-view on the matter for two reasons. 1) I am a Christian...meaning I believe Jesus is God, the Bible is to be taken contextually (not literally), and though I consistently fall short I strive to live according to God's standard of living instead of my own. 2) As a Christian, this controversy or whatchamacallit has really made my heart sad, but as a writer, this is the best way for me to try to sort out my thoughts. This will be messy but I suppose making them public will keep me accountable to the truth if nothing else.

My point-of-view is this: we seem to have a misunderstanding of sin.

For example, let's assume everything we've heard in the news is actually true. An individual subscribes to narrow, family values. This individual also happens to run his father's food establishment which was built on such values. Said individual expresses these values during an interview in terms of "is" v. "is not". A large percentage of the population reads far into the "is not" definition which they feel was strongly implied; they decide to boycott this individual's company because they feel this individual is using his profits to fund organizations that are out to prevent them from having civil and other inalienable rights. However, another large percentage of the population really does feel this group does not deserve the same rights as everyone else because they ascribe to a lifestyle that they believe to be wrong. Furthermore, this second group decides the best way to help the first group "see the light" is by setting aside one day to flood this establishment with their business, meanwhile backing up traffic and further making the first group feel alienated. (But really, this was the scheming of one particular politician, and the second group just went along with it because hey, that's what they do best!)

What we have here, folks, is an epidemic on our hands. We misunderstand sin to be a series of choices that cause harm to self and/or others. Really, though, this recent media debacle is an excellent example of how sin is in fact the epidemic I speak of. It creates in us this righteous indignation which makes us want to tell people who are different from us that they're wrong, take action to make them right, and in so doing cause even further wrong because we were misguided in our good deeds to begin with.

Let's get more to the point: the Bible labels homosexuality as sin. Nevertheless, there is still no research or facts to support that anyone makes a conscious choice to have an attraction to the same sex. I am not a homosexual (and my wife thanks me for that). However, I have my own history of sin. You'll most likely see me doing harm by acting out of ridiculous paranoid suspicions about other people, losing my temper, or even worse - doing both at the same time! This could be a bad example as emotions don't run anywhere near as deep as sexuality, but these are just a couple of things that are wrong with me. I never chose to be someone who often mistrusts other people or acts out of anger toward others. I know these things are wrong, and I often struggle with these things. Some days, though, I choose not to struggle and to be ok with hurting others in these ways.

Before you choose to further open that can of worms, let me just say I'm not interested. I'm not writing so I can share my views on sexuality or how corporations spend their money. My point is that we all have sin. We are all products of our environment in which sin pervaded. Sin is an epidemic. A disease. We have the ability to make good and bad choices but unfortunately it's not that simple. Yes, there is a cure, but we don't have it, so there's nothing any of us can do to fix this. The cure rests solely and entirely in the person of Jesus. I am guilty and consistently fall short, leaving me in constant need of that cure.

For those who are Christians: we, as a whole, have not represented Jesus well lately...at least not on such a grand scale. Our beliefs and our works amount to very little in light of this. I've read a lot of articles and blog posts recently that suggest love is the answer. I suggest otherwise. Our love is not enough to fix the rift between the Church and the rest of the world because our love is flawed and misguided. Perfect love is the answer, and that comes from Jesus who IS perfect love. He (and therefore, Love) best manifests Himself when we, the Church, are actually united. When we become divided over mixed messages in the media, it tends to have the opposite effect. So please stop taking sides. We can do better, and we have more resources than we know to help us do so.

For those who are homosexual Christians: Specifically, that is. I don't mean to label you or put you in a category separate from other Christian, and I deeply apologize if that's the impression you're getting. I'm sure you know just as well as I do what the Bible says. I know nothing about what it's like to be labeled or put into such a category, but I know there's not an easy answer, so I'm not going to pretend like I have the answer. I do know, though, that God is gracious, merciful, and compassionate. He loves all of us more than we can imagine - even in the reality of each of our unique conditions and epidemics. He (the Holy Spirit) is the only one that can bring about conviction and change in anyone's life. We are all powerless to do so. I pray you can see past the hate and lies, and that if you haven't already, you can find a Christian community that shows love and truth regardless of anyone's views on sexuality.

For those who are not Christians: it's not realistic for me to speak on behalf on an entire people group, but I can speak for myself. I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the ways I've misrepresented Jesus, the ways I've caused you harm, and the ways I've made anything I've said or done to you conditional. Jesus said to love without condition, to help those who can't help themselves, and to avoid getting caught up in divisive and political matters. If you're in this category and you can think of any way I've personally misrepresented Jesus toward you, I want to know, so please contact me.

God loves you and me. It doesn't matter who you are or what your beliefs are.

"nth" Times the Charm

I've been meaning to publish some sort of profound blog post about the newness of married life. However, it's been 7 months since I've last posted (insert comment in which I use married life as an excuse); even still, it's not going to happen tonight. It's late. I have to work tomorrow. The next day we leave early for vacation. For now, here's what the world needs to know: I got married. I really love my wife, and somehow she really loves me, so we've stayed married. I trust with God's sometimes-overbearing intervention that this trend will continue.

It's so easy at any big juncture to let activities and other parts of one's life slip away. Guilty as charged. I believe we all have something to share with the world and that it takes courage to do so. This includes me. Though very much an amateur, I am a writer at my core. This is me getting my feet wet again in the "blogosphere". There are much bigger priorities these days but as I learn balance my hope is that priorities of lesser importance, but importance nonetheless, do not become completely overshadowed. It may be tomorrow, next month, or even next year, but I will be back.

The Small Stuff

I was going for something more profound, but then again, I think some of the best writing is just honest writing - the pure, unadulterated kind of honesty.

So here it is: I am very very grateful to be home tonight. I usually am grateful to be here, though, so I'm not sure why tonight is any more different.

Like most of the U.S. I was surprised to wake up to a bitter 8°F wind chill and snow on the ground this morning. So, I forewent my morning shower in favor of getting a head start on my lovely morning commute. As luck would have it, I spent more time at one stop light than I do on my normal commute, and even in my best effort I was still late. My new boss is very flexible with things like that, which is great; however, it was more of a personal blow as I'm striving to gain in the punctuality I generally lack. To boot, I wound up diving in head first to the new product I just completed training on. There's nothing that boosts your self-esteem like mistakes, misunderstandings, and all-around wasted time, right? In the midst of all this, my ring finger began bleeding profusely through my bandage from where I had a very persistent thick wart burned off yesterday. While my wedding band will now be able to fit, there is still a gaping amount of missing flesh that I'm concerned will not grow back within the next 25 days - that is, when I will be spending the day making love to my wedding photographer's camera and spending the night making love to my new wife. Yeah, I went there. So, maybe that's why?

Or could it be that I'm getting married in 25 days and this is one of my last opportunities to "bach it"? Or that it's still feels like 8°F outside?

At any rate, it wasn't a great day. Still, it's not like anything happened big enough to completely shake up my world. In fact, I'm pretty much over this day.

So why does this "night off" feel so much better than any other "night off" I've had? I'm still not sure, but this comes to mind:

“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold." - Psalm 46:10-11

Maybe the point isn't to figure myself out tonight. What if I'm supposed to just see God in this, the small stuff? To trust that He will receive glory from my life whether I do right or wrong? That He will grant me favor with my employer when I mess up at work? With my fiancée when I don't live up to the wedding vows we're attempting to write ourselves? With my body as I wait for the missing flesh to be made whole where my wedding band will be taking its place? To simply enjoy Him and what He's given me (while it lasts)?

Tonight, it's Him & I, and I guess that's the plan.

Thanksgiving 2011

It's trite but until I can process anything "life-related" on a deeper level, I just need to write today. Period.

Admittedly I've found it energizing this year to read the slews of tweets and Facebook statuses about what others are thankful for this year, and I've wanted to jump on the bandwagon. Personally I think that if you have something to say that can't be done in 140 characters or less then it doesn't belong on Twitter or Facebook. It belongs on a blog. I digress...

The book of Acts says that "in Him (Jesus) we live and move and have our being...for we are indeed His offspring". This is what comes to mind when I think about what I'm most thankful for: the Gospel (literally, good news). I belong to God! Because of Jesus' work on the cross I am alive in Him and not even my repeated mistakes or dismal character will change that. Read: I should be dead, but the Lord is merciful in that He's covered my sin so I 1) don't have to die and 2) can have His life, which is far more sufficient than my own.

I've been engaged for 7 months, I'm getting married in 1 month, and we've only been doing real wedding planning for less than 3 months. Needless to say that for someone like me who struggles to keep a consistent rhythm in life, this season of life has certainly been no exception. I've struggled most of all in keeping consistent fellowship with the Lord during this time. Yet, as much as I've failed to "play by the rules" God has arguably never felt nearer.

Truthfully, what I've struggled with most the last few months is resenting this period of engagement because in foresight it has only proven costly. If we're already committed to each other and to Christ, then what's the point of the financial strain, excess travel, and sexual tension, among other things? What am I gaining?

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39)

Perhaps my focus has been in the wrong place. My focus has been on gain (i.e. gaining a wife) when living the Gospel is really about emptying ourselves. At that point we make room for God in our lives, and at THAT point...He does things! When He does things, people notice. For us, following our desire for marriage (and God's) has created an abundance of needs in our lives. As for me, the amazing thing is that lately 90% of the time I haven't honestly stopped to pray for God to do this or that, but He has anyway. All I've done is believed Him, watched trust turn into peace, and watched Him meet my needs like He said He would to begin with. Things to be noticed? Strengthened relationships, money we don't have being provided, and two broken & imperfect human beings beginning to build something better than ourselves - essentially the grace & mercy of Jesus Christ - or, the Gospel.

Like I've said before, Thanksgiving is just another day to me, though I do enjoy the extended weekend, extended food, and extended quality time. But for my soon-to-be wife; my upcoming marriage to her (with a lifetime of opportunity to lay my life down); walking with and having purpose in the God for whom and by whom I was created; the abundant abiding life we can have in Him through His perfect Son; and everything else that results; I am in a perpetual state of thankfulness.

I have everything I need in Christ. If I lose everything aforementioned, I have everything I need in Christ. This is the best news ever.

Honduras: Days 6-11

Day 6 - This is what most of you ("you" being the few that are reading) have been waiting for: this was the morning that Davean & I left for our hike up Mt. Celaque - the tallest mountain in Honduras atop which I had some surprises planned for her. Being the inexperienced campers and hikers that we are, we each had our backpacks stuffed with mostly our sleeping bags along with minimal clothes, snacks, and other belongings. I can't forget that we each had a bottle of water - our only water to last us for two days. Getting there was interesting as we had to get up early and take 3 different buses along the way. The first bus we took was more or less your typical charter bus minus a couple small amenities. It was a painful ride as I really, really, had to pee - worse than I've had to in a very long time. Please understand I am not exaggerating; I mean serious business when I talk about urinating in a public forum. After what seemed like an eternity (maybe a couple of hours) we finally made our first stop in La Entrada. Where we stopped was a small area in which several different buses made their stops, crowded with tourists and travelers. Naturally, there were also a lot of different shops and vendors. Lots of vendors. Even literally inside of already crowded buses. After we arrived we went inside of a makeshift convenience store whose owners were kind enough to let me use their private restroom (a broken toilet that thankfully I didn't have to sit on) and as a thank-you I purchased a Snickers bar. Next we wound up hopping on a large passenger van and sitting together in the front seat with the driver. In spite of being repeatedly hit in the head by the children of the very large family behind us I was tired enough at that point to fall half-asleep. Our next stop was Santa Rosa - a much nicer town but otherwise much the same in terms of their communal bus stop/marketplace. This time we wound up packed like sardines on an old school bus where we shared a seat with a strange man. All we could do was stay as close to each other as possible. For me it was a little bit overwhelming to be surrounded by so much chatter up close in a language I didn't understand. Eventually we arrived in Gracias - a small town at the foot of Celaque. I ordered a fried chicken meal at a restaurant nearby which really turned out to be cole slaw with a few small pieces of fried chicken. Then after awhile we found a moto taxi to take us uphill a long distance to the visitors center (which supposedly they don't do, except they must've felt sorry for us American tourists). By "visitors center" I really mean a big empty room with no restrooms or concessions.

Then things became eventful as we began our over 9,000 ft. hike up the mountain. We actually had a very good start and enjoyed the initial exercise along with the beautiful scenic scenery. In fact, we made it to our camp much earlier than expected. At that point, we determined based on the map that we would surely make it to the next camp on the way up the mountain before sunset, making our return the next day much earlier than anticipated. Unfortunately, oxygen sickness began to set in as the climb became almost completely vertical. As exhausted as I was, Davean was even more exhausted and frustrated over that fact along with it almost being dusk. Thus, the decision was made to stop for the night on the trail where we were at v. risking to go further in the dark (and I do mean "dark" - there's not much you can do for light at night when you're crawling on all fours up a mountain). We were forced to find one spot to lay down at where we didn't think we would slide down the mountain, and as you'd expect, it was not a comfortable spot at all. The rest of the night was spent trying to sleep and stay warm. Then it began raining. Hard. Picture a torrential downpour you'd expect in the middle of a rainforest. It was basically just like that. Thankfully I had a waterproof sleeping bag and was mostly protected. She, on the other than, was not so fortunate as her sleeping bag was being rained in. She began to shiver and feel feverish so eventually I squeezed her inside of my sleeping bag with me to keep her warm, using her sleeping bag to cover our heads. She was able to sleep for at least a couple of hours. I don't know that I was that lucky, but the important thing is that we survived and that we had a story to tell.

Day 7 - We awoke early (as if we even slept) and surveyed our belongings which were soaked from the rain and dirty from the mud that resulted. We stuffed our bags with our now soaked and even heavier sleeping bags and went on our way. By the time we made it to the next camp we tried to get to the night before (about a 30 min. hike - ha!) we were already exhausted again. Oxygen sickness is something else. Within a couple hours, though, we finally made it to the top! Regretfully, we were not greeted by the picturesque open view we were expecting (based on what we saw from Internet searches and even pictures on the signs along the trail). Instead of seeing clearly above the clouds, we were surrounded by trees. Instead of beholding the open skies, swarms of giant gnats & mosquitoes beheld our sweaty bodies. I am not capable of communicating the level of disappointment we felt over the end of our uphill hike. I definitely cannot communicate my personal level of disappointment based on what I had planned for at the top of the mountain. After taking a few not-so-flattering pictures at the top, we sat & rested for awhile. Sadly, no amount of bug spray was able to keep the insects from feasting on us - we were actually bleeding from being bitten by them non-stop! I read some more Psalms on my own to try and get my heart & mind in a better place than it was. Here's what came next:

I pulled out the notebook that Davean & I had been writing letters to each other in and mailing back & forth between the U.S. and Honduras, which sadly was soaked. Thankfully the ink didn't completely bleed through the pages so she was able to read what I had written to her in Honduras before we left for Celaque - that in spite of how many things had gone wrong since my arrival, there was no place I'd rather be because I was with her; also, this was our 17-month dating anniversary (or "monthiversary" as we like to call them), so I acknowledged that, explaining that we made it to the top of this mountain and that I had a few surprises for her. At that point, however, I had some surprises I wasn't ready for. What I had done prior to leaving for Honduras was write down some of my own personal reflections from Proverbs 31 (how I see the traits of the virtuous woman in Davean) and Song of Solomon 4 (how passionately Jesus loves us, His bride, and how He's revealed Himself in the growing love He's given me for her...not to mention the delight I have for Davean). I read both of those passages and did my best to explain my thoughts without my written notes which were left behind on accident, otherwise they likely would have been illegible from being rained on. Then I explained that I had written & recorded a song for her in which I intended to tell her "I love you" for the first time, and that I was hoping we could listen to it together on top of the mountain; however, I absentmindedly left my iPod in her apartment, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise due to the previous night's rain. So, likewise, I did my best to use the "L-word" verbatim and explain my desire to spend the rest of my life loving, serving, growing old with, and living life with her. I then pulled the ring (the only item that wasn't soaked or ruined) from my backpack and asked her to marry me - to which she responded "Tim...of course I will" in her sweet, innocent, oxygen-sick, sleep-deprived voice. Who knew a size 4.5 would be too small for her tiny fingers? I guess I should consider myself fortunate to have kept it a surprise to her until the day before when I told her that I was wanting to listen to my iPod on top of the mountain.

At that point we were anxious to get down the mountain so we could get home, clean ourselves up, celebrate, and rest. Who knew, though, that it would take longer to travel down the mountain than up it? Thanks to some afternoon flooding, this was the case as we made painstaking effort to avoid the mud slide that once was the mountain's hiking trail. I was honestly having a hard time as this was happening - I was trying to safely look after my now fiance, telling God how much I didn't like Him for what was happening (on top of the botched proposal) while asking Him for our safety and a thankful heart. Eight hours later, we made it back to the "visitors' center" where many other families were sheltering themselves from the storm. Fortunately, we were next in line for the only moto taxi there who barely made it down the mountain with us back to Gracias. Because of the weather conditions there were no buses to take us out of town, so the moto taxi took us to the cheapest non-trashy hotel in town ($15 U.S./night!). It was wonderful to finally drink water after barely having any all day, and they were wonderful for bringing our dinner to our rooms. Sadly, my "typical Honduran plate" (eggs, salsa, avocado, refried beans, plantains, and an unknown cream) wasn't very appetizing. Alas, we celebrated our first night as an engaged couple by falling asleep to Hispanic television...before waking up and going to our separate rooms.

Day 8 (Good Friday) - We awoke after a much needed full night's sleep and packed our things in hopes of finding some mode of transportation out of town since the buses were taking a holiday. Our options were to stay another night or to hire a private vehicle for over $100 U.S. After laying out our belongings to dry we spent the day walking around town. We watched the locals decorate the streets with colored sawdust art. We found the closest thing to a supermarket (more like a convenience store) and bought a lot of American junk food which we ate while people-watching at the parque central. Unfortunately we kept moving locations due to some friendly neighborhood bees of which I have a phobia. We spotted a pizza restaurant that we agreed to try for dinner that night. I listened to Davean make conversation in Spanish with a local and didn't understand a word of it. We looked inside of a Catholic church sanctuary after their morning Good Friday mass. We toured the rest of the town which took all of an hour. We talked about attending a Good Friday service somewhere in town but lost the motivation to wait around that long. We toured a local museum with a small park inside of its gates - a nice reprise from the heat. We ended our tour of Gracias with a visit to a really cool old Spanish fort where we enjoyed the view of the town below and took a lot of neat pictures. As storm clouds started to roll in we debated and then took our chances on the 10-minute walk back to the hotel...and made it just in time for another torrential downpour which lasted all evening and knocked out our power for most of it. Without going into too much detail, we had a difficult conversation involving feelings of fear over the series of unfortunate events since my arrival in Honduras, and for a short time I thought I would be returning home with the ring. We prayed over the situation and ended our evening much like the evening before, trading our night out for pizza for a night in with our "typical Honduran plates".

Day 9 - After a makeshift "American" breakfast at the hotel restaurant we finally were able to check out of our hotel and get on a bus back to Copan. On one of our stops a man who was seemingly mentally unstable kept trying high-pressure tactics to get me to buy his not-so-fresh tomatoes. Somehow my nonchalant refusal encouraged him to say things in Spanish which I assume were racist comments toward me being a Gringo. Other than that and the crowds on the buses it was a pretty uneventful trip back to Copan. We were so happy to finally change clothes after staying in our only dry set of clothes for almost 3 days! Davean's roommate, Tiffany, returned from her Spring Break trip right after we did so we hung out with her for a little bit. Then later that evening, after another rain, I walked my fiancee to a local pizza restaurant and then a bistro nearby. We walked back to the balcony above her apartment where we plugged in headphones and finally listened to the song I wrote her.

She liked it. :-)

I then expressed my discontent over the idea of going back home with the ring and reminded her that the promise I'm making with the ring is unconditional. At that point we "reaffirmed" our engagement and called our families via Google Voice (free calls to the U.S. and Canada through 2011) with the news.

Day 10 - I was so happy to meet with the English church group again and share: food, our engagement story, worship, and communion. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed by God's grace that day. We were "touched" as the group each individually laid hands on us and prayed over us for our engagement and future marriage. Pun. Intended. We took our sleeping bags to have them dry cleaned and ran some other errands. Then for the evening we grabbed some burgers to go (one of the perks of staying in a tourist town in another country) and enjoyed a movie in the living room, otherwise soaking up our last moments together before saying goodbye for another few weeks - thankfully our last goodbye.

Day 11 - Between dragging my luggage on foot across town to make a 5 a.m. bus, leaving my now fiancee behind, and traveling all the way back to the U.S. (Approx. 2,500 miles. It feels like 5x that distance. Without looking at a map, you'd never guess the distance was shorter between that of NYC and LA.)...it was a long, long day. My first surprise was the 2nd bus to the airport not actually being scheduled, thus being put on a taxi all the while living out the part of Dumb American who knows no Spanish. My next surprise was the $38 (U.S.) tax for taking a return flight to the U.S. out of Honduras. Oh, and we can't forget my nose hair trimmer being confiscated by Customs and the filer being ripped off of my toenail clippers. Otherwise, I ate the last of my snack foods and watched TV episodes on my laptop. The airport terminal in San Pedro Sula was nowhere near as orderly as we're used to here. Thankfully I happened to finish my episode and see someone's boarding pass to know when it was time to board my first plane. I was also surprised in ATL when I had to claim my bags, check them again, all within an hour whilst learning that one of my bags was lost. I finally returned to KC only to discovered that my 2nd bag (a.k.a. my guitar) had been lost. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who live near the airport and have a spare bed.

The end. For now. Between a story that will be told for years to come, a most excellent wife-to-be (mark your calendars - New Years Eve!), and God's provision in the middle of it all, what I'm taking from this trip is, without a doubt, priceless.

Honduras: Days 2-5

Day 2 - My first morning in Honduras was quite peaceful. I spent some time on her balcony reading Psalms before the town became busy, and couldn't help but thank God for getting me to that exact moment and orchestrating all of the necessary details. After months of waiting, saving, and planning, I was finally far from my everyday problems and reunited with my love in her home of the last several months. We started our day by heading to the local Mayan ruins (Copan Ruinas' namesake and main tourist attraction) and I experienced the first of many hot & arduous hikes that week. We took several pictures around the ruins (especially overpriced for U.S. tourists). Afterwards we found a nearby trail which led around a local farm and back to the museum at the ruins. Afterward we ran a couple of errands around town, we enjoyed some amazing fruit smoothies and I purchased a pair of shorts (as I left all of mine at home). Then it felt good to make it home after several hours in the heat - but not literally as Honduran homes do not have A/C and most do not have fans. Also, by that point some lovely Honduran bacteria made their home inside of my stomach, hampering my ability to really enjoy any of our activities for the next few days. Nevertheless, we spent the rest of the day relaxing at home, making dinner and watching a movie, followed by lugging my luggage to Davean's co-worker's home, where I stayed while she was away.

Day 3 - I had another relaxing morning outside before we started our day. I was able to experience what Davean has described as "English church" for the first time. It is a group of American Christians who gather each week for what I would describe as an organic church meeting, and I had the privilege of bringing my guitar and worshiping Jesus with them. To say it did my heart good would be an understatement. What started as a few people sharing a meal turned into a spontaneous but Spirit-led conversation in which life was shared. The group consists mostly of those on staff with a ministry called Urban Promise Honduras (whose office they meet in each week), but also includes Davean's co-workers from Mayatan Bilingual School. They started as an "informal gathering 0f Jesus-followers", but an important part of this body is that it includes some who are not Christians. I love that even though they aren't Christians, they are still given a "place at the table" (in the words of my pastor) and they can all be unified in the pursuit of the knowledge of who God is. I'm convinced that's something that Jesus intended when he said, "Ok, finish what I started", and it's sad to me that the Church drops that ball so often. I've listened to Davean share week-after-week about how the Holy Spirit "showed up" in this way or that way and it was so good to be in the midst of that. God is good! The day was finished with a couple more errands, eating Chinese (in Honduras), and another movie.

Day 4 - We woke early for an all-day guided tour of the Finca el Cigne ranch & coffee plantation. The stomach bacteria helped make this a trying day, unfortunately. But, we were part of a fun group with a Russian girl and an English couple, all in their 20's, and Carlos, our quick-witted tour guide who spoke very fluent English and whose family runs the farm. We got to see where and how the coffee and cacao beans are grown and processed as we toured the farm and the processing facilities. We ate a delicious home-cooked meal consisting mostly of their own agri-products. Before lunch, however, we took a long horseback ride through their expansive property. Though I clearly stated I was not an experience horseback rider, I was instructed to ride a strong stubborn horse named Maximo. Maximo refused to be anywhere but in front of the pack. My back muscles were strained and almost pulled as he often would race full-speed down the trail and literally throw my body around in the process. With nausea and a sore back it was difficult for me to maintain a positive attitude. We ended the day relaxing at a nearby natural spring until dark. We were creeped out as there was a mysterious man roaming the springs and we were unable to tell if he was an employee or not. On the ride back to Copan we became jealous as we listened to our new friends' tales of their frequent international travels. It was a very long day and we were glad to be home, albeit at a late hour.

Day 5 - This proved to be a more trying day as I experienced more bacteria-related symptoms and we hiked in the hot sun an hour & a half uphill to a village called Llanetios. It was there that Davean introduced me to Doña Lucas, a sweet old lady who, though she knew no English, her sense of humor was still very evident. Unfortunately it was difficult for me to play along and really enjoy myself as we did pottery together. I made a coffee mug as Davean made a teapot (I think?), and Doña Lucas kindly "polished" up our handiwork. This was followed by preparing a meal of black beans and tortillas topped with ground squash beans served with coffee. Had I not been sick this would've wreaked enough havoc on my already-picky taste buds; sadly I was physically unable to finish my meal (and trust me, I tried). In Honduras it's very common for people to start their own uncontained trash fires; on our long walk back home we had to almost walk through one as we literally covered our eyes and mouths to shield ourselves from the heavy smoke & ash that filled the air. Had we been even a few minutes later we likely would've been trapped on that road. That was eventful to say the least. Also, this day in particular, because I was physically not feeling like myself, it was difficult for both of us to cope with my lack of enthusiasm over my visit which, despite my efforts, I was unable to help...or even fake. Neverthless, we continued the evening by attending the Passover Seder of her Jewish co-worker with a group of other teachers. It was interesting considering we were the only ones actually observing this spiritually; however, it turned out to be a fun & relaxing time and the evening breeze proved to be a welcome respite from the intense heat & humidity.

To be continued....

Honduras (or, perhaps more accurately: The Proposal or Murphy's Law Goes Abroad): Day 1

Where better to start than when I left off 3 months ago? This is for anyone who's asked and I haven't had a chance to tell, for anyone who's doing the Facebook/Twitter creepy-stalker-ish thing...or, we can say this is for anyone who's in the mood for a love story told old-man style (as most of my stories are). Whether it happened to me or anyone else, trust me - it's a good one.

My adventure saw a casualty before I even made it to my first gate: a jar of all-natural honey peanut butter of whom my now fiancee & I share a mutual love for. By the time I was given the option to check it my bags were long gone and it just wasn't worth the trouble at 5:30 a.m. My layover in ATL was exactly what you'd expect: too much distance to travel in such a short amount of time. However, I made it with the help of their handy dandy airport subway. On the flight to San Pedro Sula I met a Christian middle-aged dating couple from opposite sides of ATL (which makes my fiancee & I living on opposite sides of KC seem not-so-bad) on their way to Honduras for a mission trip. I spent most of the flight staring out the window like a small child before I fell asleep watching Tron: Legacy (which I highly do NOT recommend). Up until then it was sheer excitement keeping me awake after only 16 hours of sleep spread throughout the entire week.

I then arrived on Central American soil. It's amazing how after only 6 hours of travel I can be what seems a world apart. After the most disorganized & crowded customs experience of my life I found myself playing the part of the stereotypical confused tourist in an even more disorganized & crowded terminal. I was then able to garner the assistance of who looked to be an employee of the airport in finding the bus terminal; however, this individual, who turned out to be a taxi driver, began hustling me. By the time an airport security guard chased him off he seemed to lose interest upon discovering there was a language barrier. As if things weren't already interesting, I discovered that the bus leaving from that terminal was in fact not the same bus that would take me 3 hours away to Copan Ruinas where my girlfriend was waiting for me. Unfortunately, there was also a language barrier between me and the clerk behind the counter, but thankfully I found a cheap iTouch offline translator app which came to my rescue and I was able to buy my ticket to the Grand Central bus station (a whopping 10 min. from the airport), from whence the bus route which I actually had a ticket for would depart. After dealing with that I met a friendly English-speaking Canadian couple who provided me with some sanity and entertained me with tales of their nation's ample required vacation time and all of the expensive vacation plans they had in Honduras. I asked the nice couple to watch my belongings as I discovered in all the excitement of things that I needed to exchange my money if I wanted to buy food. After spending 20 minutes in line watching the teller's co-worker not do anything and who appeared to be her manager also not do anything (except stare at me quite awkwardly) I got to the counter only to discover I left my passport with the Canadians, thus losing my place in line and getting to wait another 20 minutes. I rushed back to the bus terminal thinking that I was running late...but I forgot I was on Honduran time at that point (meaning they are more lax with their punctuality). Being the scatterbrained person I am, I then discovered I hadn't eaten anything and then rushed to the food court to grab a Wendy's Baconator. Luckily the bus was just arriving when I ran back. While in line for the bus, the friendly cabbie returned again offering to help me with my bags. Apparently he didn't appreciate me playing the dumb American a second time.

Immediately I began reaping the benefits of the exchange rate as I took my private seat (read: recliner) on the most spacious and luxurious bus that $20 has ever bought. I spent most of the ride taking pictures of everything through the windows (again, like a child) while enjoying The Nutty Professor. The amount of pollution on the sides of the roads was astounding, as was the way the Hondurans drove (picture downtown Chicago). I was annoyed by the constant slowing down of the bus up very steep hills (this was of course due to the gradual increase in elevation en route to a mountainous region). Nevertheless, I was finally able to relax.

Finally, after 14 hours of traveling, my girlfriend greeted me upon my arrival in Copan Ruinas, Honduras. A moto-taxi (or tuk-tuk in some cultures) drove us recklessly through hilly & uneven cobblestone streets to her house on the edge of town. I met her roommate for the first time, though I suppose in some ways I already knew her based on months of my girlfriend's stories of close living and bonding. After unloading my things we went out for baleadas (a combination of meat, cheese, beans, and rice(?) sandwiched between 2 thick tortillas) made by whom she affectionaly dubbed as the Crunchy Baleada Lady, known for two things: 1) operating her restaurant out of what appeared to be her home and 2) making her baleadas crunchy (apparently not typical in Honduras). I also had a chance to experience a small dose of the exercise I would be getting that week - and that my girlfriend had been getting for several months walking across town to work and back everyday. We ended the night by relaxing and playing guitar (I taught her roommate how to play Gungor's Beautiful Things), and of course I couldn't end the night without brushing my teeth. Had I not been so ready for bed after a hectic week followed by a day of traveling, I would've paid more attention to what water I was using to brush my teeth.

To be continued....

Just Let Some Air In

I am wrapping up one of the busiest seasons of my adult life as I prepare for one of the best weeks of my adult life. In less than 8 hours I am flying to Honduras to be with my favorite during her spring break (and to take one of my own - win win!). I'm so excited to finally live out an adventure in the midst of some very routine misadventures.

As I was preparing to pack this week, her mother gave me her sleeping bag filled with other items...and then vacuum-sealed in a vacuum storage bag which took up my entire suitcase, and was so rigid that extra room couldn't be made. Then the ridiculous questions of doubt set in. "How am I going to fit everything now?" "How am I supposed to pay hundreds of dollars extra because of this stupid bag?" "What if I have to leave my guitar here?"

Then as I began to reflect on how miserable I was making myself over worrying about packing, I remembered the LORD. This is His adventure that He's writing me into. He's been in my midst throughout all the planning and saving that this trip has required of me. Why would He just mess things up because of packing one difficult item? So, I let go and gave the reins back to Him.

The next evening as I pooled in the "expertise" of a couple friends who've traveled to Cuba with far more luggage, I discovered that the vacuum bag had slowly begun to fill with air while I was gone for the day. Suddenly I was embarrassingly freaking out over nothing as the bag had become malleable again and we successfully zipped the suitcase shut.

We all have our vacuum bags: those elements of our lives that appear completely inflexible and unchangeable in our own effort. Whose strength are you living in today? Maybe we can all travel a bit further if we allow the maker of life to breathe into us and shape us.

The March of Hope

It has been almost 4 months since my last blog post. In that time frame, hope has been a huge theme in my life. If I wasn't hanging on to it for dear life, I was either filled to the brim with it or reaching aimlessly for it. I hope to share that story more with those dearest to me because it is a good story...and it is a good story only on the basis that it is a God story.

Winter by far is my least favorite season. Everything about winter slows me down physically, emotionally, and even spiritually (or rather, I allow it to have that power over me which it could never conjure up on its own - pathetic, I know). Between a family bombshell, an 18-inch blizzard followed by another few inches of snow, still having to go to work in spite of that, and being separated by one from whom I least want to be separated from, this winter has for me been the most challenging.

The other day, however, I was driving home from work like I do most days. The day was March 1, to be exact. Winter weather was still very much upon KC with cold winds and patches of snow left on the ground in some spots. The sun was shining for the first time in a few days, which was helpful, but the sun shows its face often enough - even in the dead of winter. For some reason I was filled with hope, but it was more than the sun shining. It was more than the knowledge of a new day (which should bring us feelings of hope already).

Then it hit me: Yesterday was February. Today is March. You may think I'm nuts. If you look back through several Farmer's Almanacs you'll see that you certainly have that right. In the context of a calendar year, though, just the knowledge of the month passing from February to March gives me that assurance that winter will pass and we will at last bask in spring, summer, and autumn. It hasn't happened yet, but it will; and though it hasn't happened yet, I was given that sign as an assurance of hope beyond a mere wish for winter to pass away. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. (2 Corinthians 5:14-19; the Message version)

Likewise, as we wait for the pain of this life to pass away, in the context of eternity, we can have an even greater assurance that we will move beyond this temporary abode into our permanent home in God himself. To find that assurance, we look to Jesus Christ: fully God, but fully man, crucified and risen! Victory has yet to be carried out, but as we look to the cross we can't help but be certain that death has been defeated. "My sin, not in part, but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!" This is the Gospel. Why don't I allow myself to look to the cross in the face of the greatest despair or even the silliest things such as the bleak mid-winter?

There you have it, folks. My hope is in Christ alone. Even as I stumble to hold onto Jesus, I sincerely desire for my words tonight to steer you toward the cross.

Greatsgiving: That's Great, But Who Are You Thanking?

Recently at the "office" we were asked to take three cutouts of leaves, and on them, write one thing on each of them that we we're thankful for and then place that on a larger cutout of a tree, so that on each row of "cubes" there would be a Thanksgiving tree.

What an endearing time of year that Thanksgiving is. Elementary school teachers recant the Thanksgiving origins in which our mainland's original group of founding Pilgrims (allegedly) gave thanks to God that they made it by the skin of their teeth and wouldn't go to bed hungry that night. Over 200 years later we (sort of) continue the tradition by sharing with friends, family, or in my case, co-workers, several things for which we are currently thankful. Let's briefly explore what our good friends Merriam and Webster have to say on the subject:

thank·ful

adj. 1) conscious of benefit received

It's always interesting to me how on most major holidays you'll find some people playing Christian but not so much the rest of the year...which, by the way, is not exactly what I'm writing about. For some reason, though, what really sticks out to me this particular Thanksgiving season is how many people are giving thanks for this & that, yet fail to acknowledge exactly who it is they are thanking, or from who they've received said benefits. If you're reading this and do not consider yourself religious and/or spiritual, then I'm especially curious how often during Thanksgiving that you hear somebody sincerely (as in outside of the annual Thanksgiving prayer) hear someone actually thanking somebody else for something they've received. (No offense, Christians, but we can't hide our subculture in which we so easily allowed ourselves to be sucked into. Of course we'll regularly hear someone thank God and perhaps even really mean it!)

It's one thing to say, "I'm thankful to my boss for giving me such a big raise" or "Thank you, mom, for buying me Halo (whatever version is hot right now)". But what about non-material things such as family or autumn? Do you think these things just "were"? Better yet, did you set the universe in motion? If so, why not have more autumn? How about material things for which we give ourselves credit? "I built this house with my bare hands and paid for it with my hard-earned money." If so, who gave you that money? How about that brain of yours that knows how to build a house or even to build your strength to begin with?

I'm not trying to proselytize anyone, but there are few supporting arguments that things just "happened" upon us. No offense, but you are not a magical genie who can blink your eyes and give yourself anything you desire. Everything you have was created by someone, by something created by someone, or by something created by something created by...well, you get it. Like it or not, there is someone to be thanked for something you have.

On a personal note, and because this is my blog, I'm going to share something I've been particularly thankful for this past year, or rather, someone (officially this coming Sunday). I've had the opportunity to enter into a relationship with a unique, beautiful, silly, compassionate, intelligent, and all-around wonderful woman of God clothed in humility. She blesses my life everyday and I do not deserve to call her "mine". I did not create her or make her who/what she is; hence, the reason why she turned out so well. Therefore, I would like to thank God (as in the one who sent His son, Jesus, to die and to be raised from death), because He created her, consecrated her, gave her to me, and prepared me to receive her. I would also like to thank my girlfriend for choosing me out of many others, for not walking away from me, and for making Him Lord in her life (thus becoming the person I'm so deeply attracted to to begin with). I've walked into something way too good for me to have concocted. God, and God alone, gets the glory. (Also, she is currently spending her first year as a teacher abroad, and I am excited to have her home for Christmas! You can read more about her journey here.)

Really, though, my point isn't that you should thank someone (though I really believe that), or even that you should thank God (although as Creator of everything, that is true by default). Seriously. It's up to you whether or not to ascribe thanks to anyone for anything. It's also up to you to choose your words carefully. Case in point:

grate·ful

adj. 1) a. appreciative of benefits received; 2) b. pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

For those of you who don't fit in the "thankful" category, perhaps this would be a better fit as it is dependent on nobody but yourself. However, the former is certainly more beneficial than the latter, in my opinion, and room can certainly be made for any of you who wish to make that transition. Nevertheless, if Thanksgiving 2010 isn't a time for all to truly give thanks to the source of the object for which we are thankful, then it is certainly a time to let go of tradition for tradition's sake and acknowledge it for what it really is in your life.

Prophecy of Autumn

The seasons, to me, don't just come and go. It would be more accurate to say that they're there and then they're gone. Very rarely do I feel I get to witness a real changing of the seasons - mostly my own fault for allowing myself to be engrossed in other things. Today was different, though; as I was tiring out from my 3-mile jog down the Indian Creek Trail, my mind was at last blank and available to internalize God's creation. Even that, though, isn't entirely accurate. I turned to begin my long walk home. The wind was at my back stabilizing my external body temperature. It was as if God was saying, "Don't be distracted by the frailty of this body; I am doing a new thing for you."

That's when it hit me. The colors of the leaves jumped out at me, screaming, while the cool breeze was scattering them decoratively about the ground. I couldn't help today but stand in awe of our Creator God: less over what He has created; more over what He was creating in that very moment.

Now as I reflect on the literal changing of seasons, I can still hear His voice whispering to me in regards to the figurative changing of seasons in my life (which I know we all experience). "I haven't just come and gone. I'm still here - not watching, not waiting, but working." Just as the wind was moving about me this afternoon, so is He. I am convinced.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

Power Ballad Reflections

I must say (and not for the first...or last, time) that I am amazed by how much can change in a year's time. Case in point:

Yesterday evening, as I was relaxing in solitude, I was surprised to hear my neighbor's music as clear as if it were in my own home (or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised between the outdoor walkway and the thin walls in this apartment building) when all of a sudden Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" is cranked to 11. The song is so ridiculous and often used for comic relief in TV shows and movies that I couldn't help but chuckle...and that's when it hit me.

Transformation.

If I were in solitude like this a year ago, it would not have felt relaxing; it probably would have felt lonely as hell. I know this because I in fact was in solitude and lonely as hell. Back then, knowing how easily my emotions are swayed by certain chord progressions, I would have been in tears if that wretched song had begun playing in an ear shot of my living space. Not only this, but as a relationship-oriented individual I felt there was no way out and my future seemed bleak at that point. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I did not want to live the rest of my life like that.

Decision.

I was so sold on that decision that I was willing to actually put some work into it and follow through. It sure wasn't easy, but in the end I learned (or perhaps "accepted", though the jury's still out on that) that I am functionally an introvert. Though I don't want to be a recluse, I now know I can derive pleasure from these times of solitude...even with a dash of loneliness mixed in. With this also came the realization that...exactly; it was only a realization, not a true change in my personality.

Abandonment.

The stronghold of my greatest fear in life was greatly loosened when I chose to let go of what I thought I couldn't live without. Gradually my eyes were opened wider to the reality of who I am because I chose to walk away! I've found more freedom in that than I have in most things.

Isn't this true of all of us? I wonder if this is at least partially what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 8 when he told one of his disciples, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." Jesus is certainly about the business of transforming lives but he doesn't say "work for me"; he says "follow me". Who knows if this unnamed disciple answered that call but surely, for those who did, their eyes were opened to the majesty of God the Father as they deserted the mess in which they were each swept up. Perhaps His motive goes beyond "Do what I do and teach others to also" and more toward "Hey man, this smog is clouding you up; get out of the city for awhile". Perhaps this is also what King Solomon meant when he said, "There's nothing new under the sun; you have to get over the sun". Our senses are so enthralled with whatever tantalizes them that we become deceived in what we believe is real if we don't move away from it. Thankfully God has kept his promise in sending me someone to follow; otherwise I'd have no idea where I was going if I tried to go anywhere else, and I guarantee you I'd be lost as soon as I took my eyes off the road.

Do you desire transformation in your life? Jesus is the way, though whether you're convinced of that or not, I can guarantee you something (or someone) in your life is clouding your vision or, worse yet, flat-out blinding you. The solution is not to come up with a solution; the solution is to walk away. You need this just as much as me, and you'll be just as lost as me if you try and do this on your own.

Stop working. Start following.

Bloated

I've come to learn that home is far more than a place, an object, or even a "finding" of one's self. They very concept expands far beyond even the most spatial of human understandings. For my purposes, tonight I'm keeping my words on the subject much narrower. Home for me (and hopefully most of us) tends to take on several different lights.

As of very recently, my home has take on new lights in the following ways:

It is when I am dependent on none other but the LORD.
Because it is not limited to a locale, it is temporarily in a country I have yet to travel to (though there are unofficial plans to change that).

Here are some examples of what this might look like for myself:

I am unannounced.
I am fully myself and those that surround me are fully aware.
I am free to be the way I was made.
I choose to be who I was made to be, and thus am fully myself, and fully at home.

Of course, I don't want to skim over the truth that I cannot fully be at home (or fully be any of the preceding things) without fully abiding in Jesus Christ the LORD - surrendering everything I am and everything I have, and making Him not so much first, but IT - because He is Home, and only when I am fully His can I fully be any of these things. When we are home, we are full, and we were created to be full by Him so He alone can fill us.

Now, (only) in light of that statement, I am fully home when I am free to be, and choose to be, who I was made to be. I've been given the grace to receive but a glimpse of how that should look: I am to be a voice to the world. Written. Spoken. Played. Sung.

I say all of this because HE has led me to a place that though in itself is not home, I am as free as I want to be from many of the distractions that have kept me from living in a place of home. So here I am - perhaps more at home than I've ever known. It is up to me, however, based on the power given from on high, how well this works out. Consider this a written re-commitment to blogging, but more importantly, to being a written voice to the world.

Here's to leaving our delusions of bloatedness and arriving home...arriving full.

Now it's your turn to respond. What is your action plan? How do you plan to arrive? Or, for those of you out there who feel you've arrived, we'd be especially interested in your wisdom.

Story

This summer I have grown increasingly fascinated by the concept of story. (To better understand what I'm referring to, pick up a copy of Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.) It's amazing how closely the elements of story parallel the elements of life. The same things that make a story interesting (e.g. conflict, development, adventure, moral, etc.) make a life interesting; ergo, as a boring story lacks many of these elements, the same can be said of a boring life.

It is so easy for us (me) to forget that we've (I've) been given abundant resources to make this life count for something. As time grows on, we get so used to its passage that we grow numb to it; we forgo opportunities; we settle for less. As evidenced by the emptiness of my blog this year, I am very guilty of this.

I am being given a very golden opportunity to redeem myself in this way as I am entering a unique season in my life in which I am free from several "distractions" that I've grown accustomed to. This season is unique in that I will most likely never experience a time like this once it passes. I am already being challenged in many uncomfortable ways that I eagerly await coming to pass, yet I need to count my blessings as I may never again be able to enjoy the goodness that the Lord offers in this season.

Do yourselves a favor: check out the below link to a blog kept by someone who has chosen to take such a step toward writing a better story with their life. Follow this blog. Be challenged. Be moved. Be inspired. I am...for sure.

http://honduranteacher.blogspot.com

Grace and peace to you all.

Thy Kingdom Come

"The earth is where it was; the sun, and winds, and rivers, keep the same course that ever they did; and therefore, if they have never yet been sufficient to make a happiness for man, they are never likely to be so, for they can but yield the same comfort that they have yielded. We must therefore look above the sun for satisfaction, and for a new world." - M.H.

Nothing In Particular

Exactly. I'm writing simply for the sake of writing - because I just need to write.

Last night I attended a gathering of various social connections over dinner at which we were all asked to share our hobbies. On my list of hobbies was, of course, writing. I love to write. I write music whenever I have that unique moment of inspiration and motivation to put words to a melody and a melody to a chord progression. I am girly in the sense that I journal about once a week. I am nerdy in the sense that I have a blog and I love blogging. However, I haven't written in my blog in a couple of months. I have trouble remembering to visit my blog to see if any of my blogging friends have written anything new. Every 2-3 weeks or so that I check this, however, I am saddened to find that only 1 or 2 people on my list have actually blogged. I miss my "blogging community".

When I was sharing said hobby last night, I couldn't help but think how pathetic it was that I haven't written anything in so long for claiming that I love writing as much as I say I do. I am quick to blame this on working 40 hours a week and having something on my calendar every Monday through Thursday. To me, routine is a lot like the movie Avatar; it fails to live up to the hype. Everyone claims that routine is so positive and healthy; in my life, while necessary in some way, I consider it to be more of a silent killer. For someone who used to be so passionate about things, I've allowed my life to become so predictable and thus my passions to become dwindled...and arguably non-existent.

At the same time, it's amazing how quickly life can change. In some ways, 6 months ago I would not have predicted my life right now looking the way it does. In other ways, I can feel the excitement of & desperation for impending change rise up within me. Though I have nothing tangible to base this on (only the voice of God) I am certain that my life will somehow look significantly different a year from today.

I recently wrapped up several months of studying the book of Acts. As geographical & historical as this book is, I feel I can sum it up in a few sentences: Because a few ordinary men were willing & obedient, God chose to do very extraordinary things through them even above & beyond starting the New Testament church. I know He wants to do extraordinary things through me, too, so what's stopping me from being willing & obedient? This is the challenge for the next year: surrender - because I need my life to look radically different within the next year. If it doesn't, perhaps it was a waste for my life to be spared from that flood over 2.5 years ago.

I wish I had a clever way of wrapping up this blog entry. Seeing as I don't, I think I picked a good title for this particular entry.

Snowfall

Snow & I have a very interesting relationship with some very quirky dynamics.

Once it hits the ground, it is one of my least favorite things in the world. I am not a fan of how quickly it accumulates & piles up. That's bad enough, and then it gets even worse when the cold air freezes it over and it remains in large piles which obstruct parking lots (which is extra fun when you live in a cheap apartment complex). I am not a fan of how easily it gets tracked everywhere indoors. The overall general dirtiness of floors is only that much more accentuated. Carpets & rugs are ruined which are otherwise meant for decor & "homeliness". The worst part is how man has intervened with their melting salts which leaves its off-white residue all over our floors & vehicles. For me, living in the Midwest means constantly living in fear of washing my car because I never know when Mother Nature is going to get passive-aggressive next. Few feelings are worse than the feeling one gets when precipitation falls immediately after a car wash; snow & ice are the worst because nothing is dirtier than snow or ice mixed in with salt. As a result of the adverse effects of snow, I find myself not wanting to go outdoors. I hibernate, choosing the comfort of my own home over more important things such as exercise and social interactions. I would gain so much weight during these periods as well, except that this is me we're talking about....

However, as of late, it has become one of my most favorite things in the world - before it hits the ground, that is. There is nothing more serene, relaxing, or calming than just being still and watching those little white fluffies falling from the sky. In fact, a large part of my Christmas Day was spent doing that very same thing from the comfort of an indoor porch swing. Today, it is difficult to return to my desk in lieu of being lost in an euphoric wintery daze.

In retrospect, cherish the little things in life. Find the good in all things and thank God for them. Don't take the little things for granted, or else they may take you for granted (?).