Fake It Until You Make It

The Small Stuff

2011-12-06T19:58:00.002-06:00

I was going for something more profound, but then again, I think some of the best writing is just honest writing - the pure, unadulterated kind of honesty.

So here it is: I am very very grateful to be home tonight. I usually am grateful to be here, though, so I'm not sure why tonight is any more different.

Like most of the U.S. I was surprised to wake up to a bitter 8°F wind chill and snow on the ground this morning. So, I forewent my morning shower in favor of getting a head start on my lovely morning commute. As luck would have it, I spent more time at one stop light than I do on my normal commute, and even in my best effort I was still late. My new boss is very flexible with things like that, which is great; however, it was more of a personal blow as I'm striving to gain in the punctuality I generally lack. To boot, I wound up diving in head first to the new product I just completed training on. There's nothing that boosts your self-esteem like mistakes, misunderstandings, and all-around wasted time, right? In the midst of all this, my ring finger began bleeding profusely through my bandage from where I had a very persistent thick wart burned off yesterday. While my wedding band will now be able to fit, there is still a gaping amount of missing flesh that I'm concerned will not grow back within the next 25 days - that is, when I will be spending the day making love to my wedding photographer's camera and spending the night making love to my new wife. Yeah, I went there. So, maybe that's why?

Or could it be that I'm getting married in 25 days and this is one of my last opportunities to "bach it"? Or that it's still feels like 8°F outside?

At any rate, it wasn't a great day. Still, it's not like anything happened big enough to completely shake up my world. In fact, I'm pretty much over this day.

So why does this "night off" feel so much better than any other "night off" I've had? I'm still not sure, but this comes to mind:

“Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
The LORD of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold." - Psalm 46:10-11

Maybe the point isn't to figure myself out tonight. What if I'm supposed to just see God in this, the small stuff? To trust that He will receive glory from my life whether I do right or wrong? That He will grant me favor with my employer when I mess up at work? With my fiancée when I don't live up to the wedding vows we're attempting to write ourselves? With my body as I wait for the missing flesh to be made whole where my wedding band will be taking its place? To simply enjoy Him and what He's given me (while it lasts)?

Tonight, it's Him & I, and I guess that's the plan.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-26T00:18:00.002-06:00

It's trite but until I can process anything "life-related" on a deeper level, I just need to write today. Period.

Admittedly I've found it energizing this year to read the slews of tweets and Facebook statuses about what others are thankful for this year, and I've wanted to jump on the bandwagon. Personally I think that if you have something to say that can't be done in 140 characters or less then it doesn't belong on Twitter or Facebook. It belongs on a blog. I digress...

The book of Acts says that "in Him (Jesus) we live and move and have our being...for we are indeed His offspring". This is what comes to mind when I think about what I'm most thankful for: the Gospel (literally, good news). I belong to God! Because of Jesus' work on the cross I am alive in Him and not even my repeated mistakes or dismal character will change that. Read: I should be dead, but the Lord is merciful in that He's covered my sin so I 1) don't have to die and 2) can have His life, which is far more sufficient than my own.

I've been engaged for 7 months, I'm getting married in 1 month, and we've only been doing real wedding planning for less than 3 months. Needless to say that for someone like me who struggles to keep a consistent rhythm in life, this season of life has certainly been no exception. I've struggled most of all in keeping consistent fellowship with the Lord during this time. Yet, as much as I've failed to "play by the rules" God has arguably never felt nearer.

Truthfully, what I've struggled with most the last few months is resenting this period of engagement because in foresight it has only proven costly. If we're already committed to each other and to Christ, then what's the point of the financial strain, excess travel, and sexual tension, among other things? What am I gaining?

"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39)

Perhaps my focus has been in the wrong place. My focus has been on gain (i.e. gaining a wife) when living the Gospel is really about emptying ourselves. At that point we make room for God in our lives, and at THAT point...He does things! When He does things, people notice. For us, following our desire for marriage (and God's) has created an abundance of needs in our lives. As for me, the amazing thing is that lately 90% of the time I haven't honestly stopped to pray for God to do this or that, but He has anyway. All I've done is believed Him, watched trust turn into peace, and watched Him meet my needs like He said He would to begin with. Things to be noticed? Strengthened relationships, money we don't have being provided, and two broken & imperfect human beings beginning to build something better than ourselves - essentially the grace & mercy of Jesus Christ - or, the Gospel.

Like I've said before, Thanksgiving is just another day to me, though I do enjoy the extended weekend, extended food, and extended quality time. But for my soon-to-be wife; my upcoming marriage to her (with a lifetime of opportunity to lay my life down); walking with and having purpose in the God for whom and by whom I was created; the abundant abiding life we can have in Him through His perfect Son; and everything else that results; I am in a perpetual state of thankfulness.

I have everything I need in Christ. If I lose everything aforementioned, I have everything I need in Christ. This is the best news ever.

Honduras: Days 6-11

2011-08-07T18:10:00.004-05:00

Day 6 - This is what most of you ("you" being the few that are reading) have been waiting for: this was the morning that Davean & I left for our hike up Mt. Celaque - the tallest mountain in Honduras atop which I had some surprises planned for her. Being the inexperienced campers and hikers that we are, we each had our backpacks stuffed with mostly our sleeping bags along with minimal clothes, snacks, and other belongings. I can't forget that we each had a bottle of water - our only water to last us for two days. Getting there was interesting as we had to get up early and take 3 different buses along the way. The first bus we took was more or less your typical charter bus minus a couple small amenities. It was a painful ride as I really, really, had to pee - worse than I've had to in a very long time. Please understand I am not exaggerating; I mean serious business when I talk about urinating in a public forum. After what seemed like an eternity (maybe a couple of hours) we finally made our first stop in La Entrada. Where we stopped was a small area in which several different buses made their stops, crowded with tourists and travelers. Naturally, there were also a lot of different shops and vendors. Lots of vendors. Even literally inside of already crowded buses. After we arrived we went inside of a makeshift convenience store whose owners were kind enough to let me use their private restroom (a broken toilet that thankfully I didn't have to sit on) and as a thank-you I purchased a Snickers bar. Next we wound up hopping on a large passenger van and sitting together in the front seat with the driver. In spite of being repeatedly hit in the head by the children of the very large family behind us I was tired enough at that point to fall half-asleep. Our next stop was Santa Rosa - a much nicer town but otherwise much the same in terms of their communal bus stop/marketplace. This time we wound up packed like sardines on an old school bus where we shared a seat with a strange man. All we could do was stay as close to each other as possible. For me it was a little bit overwhelming to be surrounded by so much chatter up close in a language I didn't understand. Eventually we arrived in Gracias - a small town at the foot of Celaque. I ordered a fried chicken meal at a restaurant nearby which really turned out to be cole slaw with a few small pieces of fried chicken. Then after awhile we found a moto taxi to take us uphill a long distance to the visitors center (which supposedly they don't do, except they must've felt sorry for us American tourists). By "visitors center" I really mean a big empty room with no restrooms or concessions.

Then things became eventful as we began our over 9,000 ft. hike up the mountain. We actually had a very good start and enjoyed the initial exercise along with the beautiful scenic scenery. In fact, we made it to our camp much earlier than expected. At that point, we determined based on the map that we would surely make it to the next camp on the way up the mountain before sunset, making our return the next day much earlier than anticipated. Unfortunately, oxygen sickness began to set in as the climb became almost completely vertical. As exhausted as I was, Davean was even more exhausted and frustrated over that fact along with it almost being dusk. Thus, the decision was made to stop for the night on the trail where we were at v. risking to go further in the dark (and I do mean "dark" - there's not much you can do for light at night when you're crawling on all fours up a mountain). We were forced to find one spot to lay down at where we didn't think we would slide down the mountain, and as you'd expect, it was not a comfortable spot at all. The rest of the night was spent trying to sleep and stay warm. Then it began raining. Hard. Picture a torrential downpour you'd expect in the middle of a rainforest. It was basically just like that. Thankfully I had a waterproof sleeping bag and was mostly protected. She, on the other than, was not so fortunate as her sleeping bag was being rained in. She began to shiver and feel feverish so eventually I squeezed her inside of my sleeping bag with me to keep her warm, using her sleeping bag to cover our heads. She was able to sleep for at least a couple of hours. I don't know that I was that lucky, but the important thing is that we survived and that we had a story to tell.

Day 7 - We awoke early (as if we even slept) and surveyed our belongings which were soaked from the rain and dirty from the mud that resulted. We stuffed our bags with our now soaked and even heavier sleeping bags and went on our way. By the time we made it to the next camp we tried to get to the night before (about a 30 min. hike - ha!) we were already exhausted again. Oxygen sickness is something else. Within a couple hours, though, we finally made it to the top! Regretfully, we were not greeted by the picturesque open view we were expecting (based on what we saw from Internet searches and even pictures on the signs along the trail). Instead of seeing clearly above the clouds, we were surrounded by trees. Instead of beholding the open skies, swarms of giant gnats & mosquitoes beheld our sweaty bodies. I am not capable of communicating the level of disappointment we felt over the end of our uphill hike. I definitely cannot communicate my personal level of disappointment based on what I had planned for at the top of the mountain. After taking a few not-so-flattering pictures at the top, we sat & rested for awhile. Sadly, no amount of bug spray was able to keep the insects from feasting on us - we were actually bleeding from being bitten by them non-stop! I read some more Psalms on my own to try and get my heart & mind in a better place than it was. Here's what came next:

I pulled out the notebook that Davean & I had been writing letters to each other in and mailing back & forth between the U.S. and Honduras, which sadly was soaked. Thankfully the ink didn't completely bleed through the pages so she was able to read what I had written to her in Honduras before we left for Celaque - that in spite of how many things had gone wrong since my arrival, there was no place I'd rather be because I was with her; also, this was our 17-month dating anniversary (or "monthiversary" as we like to call them), so I acknowledged that, explaining that we made it to the top of this mountain and that I had a few surprises for her. At that point, however, I had some surprises I wasn't ready for. What I had done prior to leaving for Honduras was write down some of my own personal reflections from Proverbs 31 (how I see the traits of the virtuous woman in Davean) and Song of Solomon 4 (how passionately Jesus loves us, His bride, and how He's revealed Himself in the growing love He's given me for her...not to mention the delight I have for Davean). I read both of those passages and did my best to explain my thoughts without my written notes which were left behind on accident, otherwise they likely would have been illegible from being rained on. Then I explained that I had written & recorded a song for her in which I intended to tell her "I love you" for the first time, and that I was hoping we could listen to it together on top of the mountain; however, I absentmindedly left my iPod in her apartment, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise due to the previous night's rain. So, likewise, I did my best to use the "L-word" verbatim and explain my desire to spend the rest of my life loving, serving, growing old with, and living life with her. I then pulled the ring (the only item that wasn't soaked or ruined) from my backpack and asked her to marry me - to which she responded "Tim...of course I will" in her sweet, innocent, oxygen-sick, sleep-deprived voice. Who knew a size 4.5 would be too small for her tiny fingers? I guess I should consider myself fortunate to have kept it a surprise to her until the day before when I told her that I was wanting to listen to my iPod on top of the mountain.

At that point we were anxious to get down the mountain so we could get home, clean ourselves up, celebrate, and rest. Who knew, though, that it would take longer to travel down the mountain than up it? Thanks to some afternoon flooding, this was the case as we made painstaking effort to avoid the mud slide that once was the mountain's hiking trail. I was honestly having a hard time as this was happening - I was trying to safely look after my now fiance, telling God how much I didn't like Him for what was happening (on top of the botched proposal) while asking Him for our safety and a thankful heart. Eight hours later, we made it back to the "visitors' center" where many other families were sheltering themselves from the storm. Fortunately, we were next in line for the only moto taxi there who barely made it down the mountain with us back to Gracias. Because of the weather conditions there were no buses to take us out of town, so the moto taxi took us to the cheapest non-trashy hotel in town ($15 U.S./night!). It was wonderful to finally drink water after barely having any all day, and they were wonderful for bringing our dinner to our rooms. Sadly, my "typical Honduran plate" (eggs, salsa, avocado, refried beans, plantains, and an unknown cream) wasn't very appetizing. Alas, we celebrated our first night as an engaged couple by falling asleep to Hispanic television...before waking up and going to our separate rooms.

Day 8 (Good Friday) - We awoke after a much needed full night's sleep and packed our things in hopes of finding some mode of transportation out of town since the buses were taking a holiday. Our options were to stay another night or to hire a private vehicle for over $100 U.S. After laying out our belongings to dry we spent the day walking around town. We watched the locals decorate the streets with colored sawdust art. We found the closest thing to a supermarket (more like a convenience store) and bought a lot of American junk food which we ate while people-watching at the parque central. Unfortunately we kept moving locations due to some friendly neighborhood bees of which I have a phobia. We spotted a pizza restaurant that we agreed to try for dinner that night. I listened to Davean make conversation in Spanish with a local and didn't understand a word of it. We looked inside of a Catholic church sanctuary after their morning Good Friday mass. We toured the rest of the town which took all of an hour. We talked about attending a Good Friday service somewhere in town but lost the motivation to wait around that long. We toured a local museum with a small park inside of its gates - a nice reprise from the heat. We ended our tour of Gracias with a visit to a really cool old Spanish fort where we enjoyed the view of the town below and took a lot of neat pictures. As storm clouds started to roll in we debated and then took our chances on the 10-minute walk back to the hotel...and made it just in time for another torrential downpour which lasted all evening and knocked out our power for most of it. Without going into too much detail, we had a difficult conversation involving feelings of fear over the series of unfortunate events since my arrival in Honduras, and for a short time I thought I would be returning home with the ring. We prayed over the situation and ended our evening much like the evening before, trading our night out for pizza for a night in with our "typical Honduran plates".

Day 9 - After a makeshift "American" breakfast at the hotel restaurant we finally were able to check out of our hotel and get on a bus back to Copan. On one of our stops a man who was seemingly mentally unstable kept trying high-pressure tactics to get me to buy his not-so-fresh tomatoes. Somehow my nonchalant refusal encouraged him to say things in Spanish which I assume were racist comments toward me being a Gringo. Other than that and the crowds on the buses it was a pretty uneventful trip back to Copan. We were so happy to finally change clothes after staying in our only dry set of clothes for almost 3 days! Davean's roommate, Tiffany, returned from her Spring Break trip right after we did so we hung out with her for a little bit. Then later that evening, after another rain, I walked my fiancee to a local pizza restaurant and then a bistro nearby. We walked back to the balcony above her apartment where we plugged in headphones and finally listened to the song I wrote her.

She liked it. :-)

I then expressed my discontent over the idea of going back home with the ring and reminded her that the promise I'm making with the ring is unconditional. At that point we "reaffirmed" our engagement and called our families via Google Voice (free calls to the U.S. and Canada through 2011) with the news.

Day 10 - I was so happy to meet with the English church group again and share: food, our engagement story, worship, and communion. Needless to say, we were overwhelmed by God's grace that day. We were "touched" as the group each individually laid hands on us and prayed over us for our engagement and future marriage. Pun. Intended. We took our sleeping bags to have them dry cleaned and ran some other errands. Then for the evening we grabbed some burgers to go (one of the perks of staying in a tourist town in another country) and enjoyed a movie in the living room, otherwise soaking up our last moments together before saying goodbye for another few weeks - thankfully our last goodbye.

Day 11 - Between dragging my luggage on foot across town to make a 5 a.m. bus, leaving my now fiancee behind, and traveling all the way back to the U.S. (Approx. 2,500 miles. It feels like 5x that distance. Without looking at a map, you'd never guess the distance was shorter between that of NYC and LA.)...it was a long, long day. My first surprise was the 2nd bus to the airport not actually being scheduled, thus being put on a taxi all the while living out the part of Dumb American who knows no Spanish. My next surprise was the $38 (U.S.) tax for taking a return flight to the U.S. out of Honduras. Oh, and we can't forget my nose hair trimmer being confiscated by Customs and the filer being ripped off of my toenail clippers. Otherwise, I ate the last of my snack foods and watched TV episodes on my laptop. The airport terminal in San Pedro Sula was nowhere near as orderly as we're used to here. Thankfully I happened to finish my episode and see someone's boarding pass to know when it was time to board my first plane. I was also surprised in ATL when I had to claim my bags, check them again, all within an hour whilst learning that one of my bags was lost. I finally returned to KC only to discovered that my 2nd bag (a.k.a. my guitar) had been lost. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who live near the airport and have a spare bed.

The end. For now. Between a story that will be told for years to come, a most excellent wife-to-be (mark your calendars - New Years Eve!), and God's provision in the middle of it all, what I'm taking from this trip is, without a doubt, priceless.

Honduras: Days 2-5

2011-07-15T16:23:00.002-05:00

Day 2 - My first morning in Honduras was quite peaceful. I spent some time on her balcony reading Psalms before the town became busy, and couldn't help but thank God for getting me to that exact moment and orchestrating all of the necessary details. After months of waiting, saving, and planning, I was finally far from my everyday problems and reunited with my love in her home of the last several months. We started our day by heading to the local Mayan ruins (Copan Ruinas' namesake and main tourist attraction) and I experienced the first of many hot & arduous hikes that week. We took several pictures around the ruins (especially overpriced for U.S. tourists). Afterwards we found a nearby trail which led around a local farm and back to the museum at the ruins. Afterward we ran a couple of errands around town, we enjoyed some amazing fruit smoothies and I purchased a pair of shorts (as I left all of mine at home). Then it felt good to make it home after several hours in the heat - but not literally as Honduran homes do not have A/C and most do not have fans. Also, by that point some lovely Honduran bacteria made their home inside of my stomach, hampering my ability to really enjoy any of our activities for the next few days. Nevertheless, we spent the rest of the day relaxing at home, making dinner and watching a movie, followed by lugging my luggage to Davean's co-worker's home, where I stayed while she was away.

Day 3 - I had another relaxing morning outside before we started our day. I was able to experience what Davean has described as "English church" for the first time. It is a group of American Christians who gather each week for what I would describe as an organic church meeting, and I had the privilege of bringing my guitar and worshiping Jesus with them. To say it did my heart good would be an understatement. What started as a few people sharing a meal turned into a spontaneous but Spirit-led conversation in which life was shared. The group consists mostly of those on staff with a ministry called Urban Promise Hondura s (whose office they meet in each week), but also includes Davean's co-workers from Mayatan Bilingual School. They started as an "informal gathering 0f Jesus-followers", but an important part of this body is that it includes some who are not Christians. I love that even though they aren't Christians, they are still given a "place at the table" (in the words of my pastor) and they can all be unified in the pursuit of the knowledge of who God is. I'm convinced that's something that Jesus intended when he said, "Ok, finish what I started", and it's sad to me that the Church drops that ball so often. I've listened to Davean share week-after-week about how the Holy Spirit "showed up" in this way or that way and it was so good to be in the midst of that. God is good! The day was finished with a couple more errands, eating Chinese (in Honduras), and another movie.

Day 4 - We woke early for an all-day guided tour of the Finca el Cigne ranch & coffee plantation. The stomach bacteria helped make this a trying day, unfortunately. But, we were part of a fun group with a Russian girl and an English couple, all in their 20's, and Carlos, our quick-witted tour guide who spoke very fluent English and whose family runs the farm. We got to see where and how the coffee and cacao beans are grown and processed as we toured the farm and the processing facilities. We ate a delicious home-cooked meal consisting mostly of their own agri-products. Before lunch, however, we took a long horseback ride through their expansive property. Though I clearly stated I was not an experience horseback rider, I was instructed to ride a strong stubborn horse named Maximo. Maximo refused to be anywhere but in front of the pack. My back muscles were strained and almost pulled as he often would race full-speed down the trail and literally throw my body around in the process. With nausea and a sore back it was difficult for me to maintain a positive attitude. We ended the day relaxing at a nearby natural spring until dark. We were creeped out as there was a mysterious man roaming the springs and we were unable to tell if he was an employee or not. On the ride back to Copan we became jealous as we listened to our new friends' tales of their frequent international travels. It was a very long day and we were glad to be home, albeit at a late hour.

Day 5 - This proved to be a more trying day as I experienced more bacteria-related symptoms and we hiked in the hot sun an hour & a half uphill to a village called Llanetios. It was there that Davean introduced me to Doña Lucas, a sweet old lady who, though she knew no English, her sense of humor was still very evident. Unfortunately it was difficult for me to play along and really enjoy myself as we did pottery together. I made a coffee mug as Davean made a teapot (I think?), and Doña Lucas kindly "polished" up our handiwork. This was followed by preparing a meal of black beans and tortillas topped with ground squash beans served with coffee. Had I not been sick this would've wreaked enough havoc on my already-picky taste buds; sadly I was physically unable to finish my meal (and trust me, I tried). In Honduras it's very common for people to start their own uncontained trash fires; on our long walk back home we had to almost walk through one as we literally covered our eyes and mouths to shield ourselves from the heavy smoke & ash that filled the air. Had we been even a few minutes later we likely would've been trapped on that road. That was eventful to say the least. Also, this day in particular, because I was physically not feeling like myself, it was difficult for both of us to cope with my lack of enthusiasm over my visit which, despite my efforts, I was unable to help...or even fake. Neverthless, we continued the evening by attending the Passover Seder of her Jewish co-worker with a group of other teachers. It was interesting considering we were the only ones actually observing this spiritually; however, it turned out to be a fun & relaxing time and the evening breeze proved to be a welcome respite from the intense heat & humidity.

To be continued....

Honduras (or, perhaps more accurately: The Proposal or Murphy's Law Goes Abroad): Day 1

2011-07-12T23:10:00.002-05:00

Where better to start than when I left off 3 months ago? This is for anyone who's asked and I haven't had a chance to tell, for anyone who's doing the Facebook/Twitter creepy-stalker-ish thing...or, we can say this is for anyone who's in the mood for a love story told old-man style (as most of my stories are). Whether it happened to me or anyone else, trust me - it's a good one.

My adventure saw a casualty before I even made it to my first gate: a jar of all-natural honey peanut butter of whom my now fiancee & I share a mutual love for. By the time I was given the option to check it my bags were long gone and it just wasn't worth the trouble at 5:30 a.m. My layover in ATL was exactly what you'd expect: too much distance to travel in such a short amount of time. However, I made it with the help of their handy dandy airport subway. On the flight to San Pedro Sula I met a Christian middle-aged dating couple from opposite sides of ATL (which makes my fiancee & I living on opposite sides of KC seem not-so-bad) on their way to Honduras for a mission trip. I spent most of the flight staring out the window like a small child before I fell asleep watching Tron: Legacy (which I highly do NOT recommend). Up until then it was sheer excitement keeping me awake after only 16 hours of sleep spread throughout the entire week.

I then arrived on Central American soil. It's amazing how after only 6 hours of travel I can be what seems a world apart. After the most disorganized & crowded customs experience of my life I found myself playing the part of the stereotypical confused tourist in an even more disorganized & crowded terminal. I was then able to garner the assistance of who looked to be an employee of the airport in finding the bus terminal; however, this individual, who turned out to be a taxi driver, began hustling me. By the time an airport security guard chased him off he seemed to lose interest upon discovering there was a language barrier. As if things weren't already interesting, I discovered that the bus leaving from that terminal was in fact not the same bus that would take me 3 hours away to Copan Ruinas where my girlfriend was waiting for me. Unfortunately, there was also a language barrier between me and the clerk behind the counter, but thankfully I found a cheap iTouch offline translator app which came to my rescue and I was able to buy my ticket to the Grand Central bus station (a whopping 10 min. from the airport), from whence the bus route which I actually had a ticket for would depart. After dealing with that I met a friendly English-speaking Canadian couple who provided me with some sanity and entertained me with tales of their nation's ample required vacation time and all of the expensive vacation plans they had in Honduras. I asked the nice couple to watch my belongings as I discovered in all the excitement of things that I needed to exchange my money if I wanted to buy food. After spending 20 minutes in line watching the teller's co-worker not do anything and who appeared to be her manager also not do anything (except stare at me quite awkwardly) I got to the counter only to discover I left my passport with the Canadians, thus losing my place in line and getting to wait another 20 minutes. I rushed back to the bus terminal thinking that I was running late...but I forgot I was on Honduran time at that point (meaning they are more lax with their punctuality). Being the scatterbrained person I am, I then discovered I hadn't eaten anything and then rushed to the food court to grab a Wendy's Baconator. Luckily the bus was just arriving when I ran back. While in line for the bus, the friendly cabbie returned again offering to help me with my bags. Apparently he didn't appreciate me playing the dumb American a second time.

Immediately I began reaping the benefits of the exchange rate as I took my private seat (read: recliner) on the most spacious and luxurious bus that $20 has ever bought. I spent most of the ride taking pictures of everything through the windows (again, like a child) while enjoying The Nutty Professor. The amount of pollution on the sides of the roads was astounding, as was the way the Hondurans drove (picture downtown Chicago). I was annoyed by the constant slowing down of the bus up very steep hills (this was of course due to the gradual increase in elevation en route to a mountainous region). Nevertheless, I was finally able to relax.

Finally, after 14 hours of traveling, my girlfriend greeted me upon my arrival in Copan Ruinas, Honduras. A moto-taxi (or tuk-tuk in some cultures) drove us recklessly through hilly & uneven cobblestone streets to her house on the edge of town. I met her roommate for the first time, though I suppose in some ways I already knew her based on months of my girlfriend's stories of close living and bonding. After unloading my things we went out for baleadas (a combination of meat, cheese, beans, and rice(?) sandwiched between 2 thick tortillas) made by whom she affectionaly dubbed as the Crunchy Baleada Lady, known for two things: 1) operating her restaurant out of what appeared to be her home and 2) making her baleadas crunchy (apparently not typical in Honduras). I also had a chance to experience a small dose of the exercise I would be getting that week - and that my girlfriend had been getting for several months walking across town to work and back everyday. We ended the night by relaxing and playing guitar (I taught her roommate how to play Gungor's Beautiful Things), and of course I couldn't end the night without brushing my teeth. Had I not been so ready for bed after a hectic week followed by a day of traveling, I would've paid more attention to what water I was using to brush my teeth.

To be continued....

Just Let Some Air In

2011-04-14T22:11:00.003-05:00

I am wrapping up one of the busiest seasons of my adult life as I prepare for one of the best weeks of my adult life. In less than 8 hours I am flying to Honduras to be with my favorite during her spring break (and to take one of my own - win win!). I'm so excited to finally live out an adventure in the midst of some very routine misadventures.

As I was preparing to pack this week, her mother gave me her sleeping bag filled with other items...and then vacuum-sealed in a vacuum storage bag which took up my entire suitcase, and was so rigid that extra room couldn't be made. Then the ridiculous questions of doubt set in. "How am I going to fit everything now?" "How am I supposed to pay hundreds of dollars extra because of this stupid bag?" "What if I have to leave my guitar here?"

Then as I began to reflect on how miserable I was making myself over worrying about packing, I remembered the LORD. This is His adventure that He's writing me into. He's been in my midst throughout all the planning and saving that this trip has required of me. Why would He just mess things up because of packing one difficult item? So, I let go and gave the reins back to Him.

The next evening as I pooled in the "expertise" of a couple friends who've traveled to Cuba with far more luggage, I discovered that the vacuum bag had slowly begun to fill with air while I was gone for the day. Suddenly I was embarrassingly freaking out over nothing as the bag had become malleable again and we successfully zipped the suitcase shut.

We all have our vacuum bags: those elements of our lives that appear completely inflexible and unchangeable in our own effort. Whose strength are you living in today? Maybe we can all travel a bit further if we allow the maker of life to breathe into us and shape us.

The March of Hope

2011-03-06T22:19:00.002-06:00

It has been almost 4 months since my last blog post. In that time frame, hope has been a huge theme in my life. If I wasn't hanging on to it for dear life, I was either filled to the brim with it or reaching aimlessly for it. I hope to share that story more with those dearest to me because it is a good story...and it is a good story only on the basis that it is a God story.

Winter by far is my least favorite season. Everything about winter slows me down physically, emotionally, and even spiritually (or rather, I allow it to have that power over me which it could never conjure up on its own - pathetic, I know). Between a family bombshell, an 18-inch blizzard followed by another few inches of snow, still having to go to work in spite of that, and being separated by one from whom I least want to be separated from, this winter has for me been the most challenging.

The other day, however, I was driving home from work like I do most days. The day was March 1, to be exact. Winter weather was still very much upon KC with cold winds and patches of snow left on the ground in some spots. The sun was shining for the first time in a few days, which was helpful, but the sun shows its face often enough - even in the dead of winter. For some reason I was filled with hope, but it was more than the sun shining. It was more than the knowledge of a new day (which should bring us feelings of hope already).

Then it hit me: Yesterday was February. Today is March. You may think I'm nuts. If you look back through several Farmer's Almanacs you'll see that you certainly have that right. In the context of a calendar year, though, just the knowledge of the month passing from February to March gives me that assurance that winter will pass and we will at last bask in spring, summer, and autumn. It hasn't happened yet, but it will; and though it hasn't happened yet, I was given that sign as an assurance of hope beyond a mere wish for winter to pass away. Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own. Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. (2 Corinthians 5:14-19; the Message version)

Likewise, as we wait for the pain of this life to pass away, in the context of eternity, we can have an even greater assurance that we will move beyond this temporary abode into our permanent home in God himself. To find that assurance, we look to Jesus Christ: fully God, but fully man, crucified and risen! Victory has yet to be carried out, but as we look to the cross we can't help but be certain that death has been defeated. "My sin, not in part, but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more!" This is the Gospel. Why don't I allow myself to look to the cross in the face of the greatest despair or even the silliest things such as the bleak mid-winter?

There you have it, folks. My hope is in Christ alone. Even as I stumble to hold onto Jesus, I sincerely desire for my words tonight to steer you toward the cross.

Greatsgiving: That's Great, But Who Are You Thanking?

2010-11-18T22:06:00.006-06:00

Recently at the "office" we were asked to take three cutouts of leaves, and on them, write one thing on each of them that we we're thankful for and then place that on a larger cutout of a tree, so that on each row of "cubes" there would be a Thanksgiving tree.

What an endearing time of year that Thanksgiving is. Elementary school teachers recant the Thanksgiving origins in which our mainland's original group of founding Pilgrims (allegedly) gave thanks to God that they made it by the skin of their teeth and wouldn't go to bed hungry that night. Over 200 years later we (sort of) continue the tradition by sharing with friends, family, or in my case, co-workers, several things for which we are currently thankful. Let's briefly explore what our good friends Merriam and Webster have to say on the subject:

thank·ful

adj. 1) conscious of benefit received

It's always interesting to me how on most major holidays you'll find some people playing Christian but not so much the rest of the year...which, by the way, is not exactly what I'm writing about. For some reason, though, what really sticks out to me this particular Thanksgiving season is how many people are giving thanks for this & that, yet fail to acknowledge exactly who it is they are thanking, or from who they've received said benefits. If you're reading this and do not consider yourself religious and/or spiritual, then I'm especially curious how often during Thanksgiving that you hear somebody sincerely (as in outside of the annual Thanksgiving prayer) hear someone actually thanking somebody else for something they've received. (No offense, Christians, but we can't hide our subculture in which we so easily allowed ourselves to be sucked into. Of course we'll regularly hear someone thank God and perhaps even really mean it!)

It's one thing to say, "I'm thankful to my boss for giving me such a big raise" or "Thank you, mom, for buying me Halo (whatever version is hot right now)". But what about non-material things such as family or autumn? Do you think these things just "were"? Better yet, did you set the universe in motion? If so, why not have more autumn? How about material things for which we give ourselves credit? "I built this house with my bare hands and paid for it with my hard-earned money." If so, who gave you that money? How about that brain of yours that knows how to build a house or even to build your strength to begin with?

I'm not trying to proselytize anyone, but there are few supporting arguments that things just "happened" upon us. No offense, but you are not a magical genie who can blink your eyes and give yourself anything you desire. Everything you have was created by someone, by something created by someone, or by something created by something created by...well, you get it. Like it or not, there is someone to be thanked for something you have.

On a personal note, and because this is my blog, I'm going to share something I've been particularly thankful for this past year, or rather, someone (officially this coming Sunday). I've had the opportunity to enter into a relationship with a unique, beautiful, silly, compassionate, intelligent, and all-around wonderful woman of God clothed in humility. She blesses my life everyday and I do not deserve to call her "mine". I did not create her or make her who/what she is; hence, the reason why she turned out so well. Therefore, I would like to thank God (as in the one who sent His son, Jesus, to die and to be raised from death), because He created her, consecrated her, gave her to me, and prepared me to receive her. I would also like to thank my girlfriend for choosing me out of many others, for not walking away from me, and for making Him Lord in her life (thus becoming the person I'm so deeply attracted to to begin with). I've walked into something way too good for me to have concocted. God, and God alone, gets the glory. (Also, she is currently spending her first year as a teacher abroad, and I am excited to have her home for Christmas! You can read more about her journey here.)

Really, though, my point isn't that you should thank someone (though I really believe that), or even that you should thank God (although as Creator of everything, that is true by default). Seriously. It's up to you whether or not to ascribe thanks to anyone for anything. It's also up to you to choose your words carefully. Case in point:

grate·ful

adj. 1) a. appreciative of benefits received; 2) b. pleasing by reason of comfort supplied or discomfort alleviated

For those of you who don't fit in the "thankful" category, perhaps this would be a better fit as it is dependent on nobody but yourself. However, the former is certainly more beneficial than the latter, in my opinion, and room can certainly be made for any of you who wish to make that transition. Nevertheless, if Thanksgiving 2010 isn't a time for all to truly give thanks to the source of the object for which we are thankful, then it is certainly a time to let go of tradition for tradition's sake and acknowledge it for what it really is in your life.

Prophecy of Autumn

2010-10-24T00:24:00.004-05:00

The seasons, to me, don't just come and go. It would be more accurate to say that they're there and then they're gone. Very rarely do I feel I get to witness a real changing of the seasons - mostly my own fault for allowing myself to be engrossed in other things. Today was different, though; as I was tiring out from my 3-mile jog down the Indian Creek Trail, my mind was at last blank and available to internalize God's creation. Even that, though, isn't entirely accurate. I turned to begin my long walk home. The wind was at my back stabilizing my external body temperature. It was as if God was saying, "Don't be distracted by the frailty of this body; I am doing a new thing for you."

That's when it hit me. The colors of the leaves jumped out at me, screaming, while the cool breeze was scattering them decoratively about the ground. I couldn't help today but stand in awe of our Creator God: less over what He has created; more over what He was creating in that very moment.

Now as I reflect on the literal changing of seasons, I can still hear His voice whispering to me in regards to the figurative changing of seasons in my life (which I know we all experience). "I haven't just come and gone. I'm still here - not watching, not waiting, but working." Just as the wind was moving about me this afternoon, so is He. I am convinced.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

Power Ballad Reflections

2010-10-15T19:19:00.004-05:00

I must say (and not for the first...or last, time) that I am amazed by how much can change in a year's time. Case in point:

Yesterday evening, as I was relaxing in solitude, I was surprised to hear my neighbor's music as clear as if it were in my own home (or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised between the outdoor walkway and the thin walls in this apartment building) when all of a sudden Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" is cranked to 11. The song is so ridiculous and often used for comic relief in TV shows and movies that I couldn't help but chuckle...and that's when it hit me.

Transformation.

If I were in solitude like this a year ago, it would not have felt relaxing; it probably would have felt lonely as hell. I know this because I in fact was in solitude and lonely as hell. Back then, knowing how easily my emotions are swayed by certain chord progressions, I would have been in tears if that wretched song had begun playing in an ear shot of my living space. Not only this, but as a relationship-oriented individual I felt there was no way out and my future seemed bleak at that point. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I did not want to live the rest of my life like that.

Decision.

I was so sold on that decision that I was willing to actually put some work into it and follow through. It sure wasn't easy, but in the end I learned (or perhaps "accepted", though the jury's still out on that) that I am functionally an introvert. Though I don't want to be a recluse, I now know I can derive pleasure from these times of solitude...even with a dash of loneliness mixed in. With this also came the realization that...exactly; it was only a realization, not a true change in my personality.

Abandonment.

The stronghold of my greatest fear in life was greatly loosened when I chose to let go of what I thought I couldn't live without. Gradually my eyes were opened wider to the reality of who I am because I chose to walk away! I've found more freedom in that than I have in most things.

Isn't this true of all of us? I wonder if this is at least partially what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 8 when he told one of his disciples, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." Jesus is certainly about the business of transforming lives but he doesn't say "work for me"; he says "follow me". Who knows if this unnamed disciple answered that call but surely, for those who did, their eyes were opened to the majesty of God the Father as they deserted the mess in which they were each swept up. Perhaps His motive goes beyond "Do what I do and teach others to also" and more toward "Hey man, this smog is clouding you up; get out of the city for awhile". Perhaps this is also what King Solomon meant when he said, "There's nothing new under the sun; you have to get over the sun". Our senses are so enthralled with whatever tantalizes them that we become deceived in what we believe is real if we don't move away from it. Thankfully God has kept his promise in sending me someone to follow; otherwise I'd have no idea where I was going if I tried to go anywhere else, and I guarantee you I'd be lost as soon as I took my eyes off the road.

Do you desire transformation in your life? Jesus is the way, though whether you're convinced of that or not, I can guarantee you something (or someone) in your life is clouding your vision or, worse yet, flat-out blinding you. The solution is not to come up with a solution; the solution is to walk away. You need this just as much as me, and you'll be just as lost as me if you try and do this on your own.

Stop working. Start following.

Bloated

2010-10-07T19:20:00.003-05:00

I've come to learn that home is far more than a place, an object, or even a "finding" of one's self. They very concept expands far beyond even the most spatial of human understandings. For my purposes, tonight I'm keeping my words on the subject much narrower. Home for me (and hopefully most of us) tends to take on several different lights.

As of very recently, my home has take on new lights in the following ways:

It is when I am dependent on none other but the LORD.
Because it is not limited to a locale, it is temporarily in a country I have yet to travel to (though there are unofficial plans to change that).

Here are some examples of what this might look like for myself:

I am unannounced.
I am fully myself and those that surround me are fully aware.
I am free to be the way I was made.
I choose to be who I was made to be, and thus am fully myself, and fully at home.

Of course, I don't want to skim over the truth that I cannot fully be at home (or fully be any of the preceding things) without fully abiding in Jesus Christ the LORD - surrendering everything I am and everything I have, and making Him not so much first, but IT - because He is Home, and only when I am fully His can I fully be any of these things. When we are home, we are full, and we were created to be full by Him so He alone can fill us.

Now, (only) in light of that statement, I am fully home when I am free to be, and choose to be, who I was made to be. I've been given the grace to receive but a glimpse of how that should look: I am to be a voice to the world. Written. Spoken. Played. Sung.

I say all of this because HE has led me to a place that though in itself is not home, I am as free as I want to be from many of the distractions that have kept me from living in a place of home. So here I am - perhaps more at home than I've ever known. It is up to me, however, based on the power given from on high, how well this works out. Consider this a written re-commitment to blogging, but more importantly, to being a written voice to the world.

Here's to leaving our delusions of bloatedness and arriving home...arriving full.

Now it's your turn to respond. What is your action plan? How do you plan to arrive? Or, for those of you out there who feel you've arrived, we'd be especially interested in your wisdom.

Story

2010-08-20T20:37:00.002-05:00

This summer I have grown increasingly fascinated by the concept of story. (To better understand what I'm referring to, pick up a copy of Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.) It's amazing how closely the elements of story parallel the elements of life. The same things that make a story interesting (e.g. conflict, development, adventure, moral, etc.) make a life interesting; ergo, as a boring story lacks many of these elements, the same can be said of a boring life.

It is so easy for us (me) to forget that we've (I've) been given abundant resources to make this life count for something. As time grows on, we get so used to its passage that we grow numb to it; we forgo opportunities; we settle for less. As evidenced by the emptiness of my blog this year, I am very guilty of this.

I am being given a very golden opportunity to redeem myself in this way as I am entering a unique season in my life in which I am free from several "distractions" that I've grown accustomed to. This season is unique in that I will most likely never experience a time like this once it passes. I am already being challenged in many uncomfortable ways that I eagerly await coming to pass, yet I need to count my blessings as I may never again be able to enjoy the goodness that the Lord offers in this season.

Do yourselves a favor: check out the below link to a blog kept by someone who has chosen to take such a step toward writing a better story with their life. Follow this blog. Be challenged. Be moved. Be inspired. I am...for sure.

http://honduranteacher.blogspot.com

Grace and peace to you all.

Thy Kingdom Come

2010-06-29T21:29:00.003-05:00

"The earth is where it was; the sun, and winds, and rivers, keep the same course that ever they did; and therefore, if they have never yet been sufficient to make a happiness for man, they are never likely to be so, for they can but yield the same comfort that they have yielded. We must therefore look above the sun for satisfaction, and for a new world." - M.H.

Nothing In Particular

2010-03-12T19:49:00.003-06:00

Exactly. I'm writing simply for the sake of writing - because I just need to write.

Last night I attended a gathering of various social connections over dinner at which we were all asked to share our hobbies. On my list of hobbies was, of course, writing. I love to write. I write music whenever I have that unique moment of inspiration and motivation to put words to a melody and a melody to a chord progression. I am girly in the sense that I journal about once a week. I am nerdy in the sense that I have a blog and I love blogging. However, I haven't written in my blog in a couple of months. I have trouble remembering to visit my blog to see if any of my blogging friends have written anything new. Every 2-3 weeks or so that I check this, however, I am saddened to find that only 1 or 2 people on my list have actually blogged. I miss my "blogging community".

When I was sharing said hobby last night, I couldn't help but think how pathetic it was that I haven't written anything in so long for claiming that I love writing as much as I say I do. I am quick to blame this on working 40 hours a week and having something on my calendar every Monday through Thursday. To me, routine is a lot like the movie Avatar; it fails to live up to the hype. Everyone claims that routine is so positive and healthy; in my life, while necessary in some way, I consider it to be more of a silent killer. For someone who used to be so passionate about things, I've allowed my life to become so predictable and thus my passions to become dwindled...and arguably non-existent.

At the same time, it's amazing how quickly life can change. In some ways, 6 months ago I would not have predicted my life right now looking the way it does. In other ways, I can feel the excitement of & desperation for impending change rise up within me. Though I have nothing tangible to base this on (only the voice of God) I am certain that my life will somehow look significantly different a year from today.

I recently wrapped up several months of studying the book of Acts. As geographical & historical as this book is, I feel I can sum it up in a few sentences: Because a few ordinary men were willing & obedient, God chose to do very extraordinary things through them even above & beyond starting the New Testament church. I know He wants to do extraordinary things through me, too, so what's stopping me from being willing & obedient? This is the challenge for the next year: surrender - because I need my life to look radically different within the next year. If it doesn't, perhaps it was a waste for my life to be spared from that flood over 2.5 years ago.

I wish I had a clever way of wrapping up this blog entry. Seeing as I don't, I think I picked a good title for this particular entry.

Snowfall

2010-01-06T13:09:00.008-06:00

Snow & I have a very interesting relationship with some very quirky dynamics.

Once it hits the ground, it is one of my least favorite things in the world. I am not a fan of how quickly it accumulates & piles up. That's bad enough, and then it gets even worse when the cold air freezes it over and it remains in large piles which obstruct parking lots (which is extra fun when you live in a cheap apartment complex). I am not a fan of how easily it gets tracked everywhere indoors. The overall general dirtiness of floors is only that much more accentuated. Carpets & rugs are ruined which are otherwise meant for decor & "homeliness". The worst part is how man has intervened with their melting salts which leaves its off-white residue all over our floors & vehicles. For me, living in the Midwest means constantly living in fear of washing my car because I never know when Mother Nature is going to get passive-aggressive next. Few feelings are worse than the feeling one gets when precipitation falls immediately after a car wash; snow & ice are the worst because nothing is dirtier than snow or ice mixed in with salt. As a result of the adverse effects of snow, I find myself not wanting to go outdoors. I hibernate, choosing the comfort of my own home over more important things such as exercise and social interactions. I would gain so much weight during these periods as well, except that this is me we're talking about....

However, as of late, it has become one of my most favorite things in the world - before it hits the ground, that is. There is nothing more serene, relaxing, or calming than just being still and watching those little white fluffies falling from the sky. In fact, a large part of my Christmas Day was spent doing that very same thing from the comfort of an indoor porch swing. Today, it is difficult to return to my desk in lieu of being lost in an euphoric wintery daze.

In retrospect, cherish the little things in life. Find the good in all things and thank God for them. Don't take the little things for granted, or else they may take you for granted (?).

When God Threw Me a Bone

2009-11-30T16:21:00.008-06:00

My heart has been on a journey for the last several weeks. On this journey I have had to let go of many of my expectations of God pertaining to his plans for me. Of course, now that I'm technically in my late 20s, and still alone in a big city (for the most part), I don't feel I had any other recourse unless I wanted to continue writhing in self-pity.

So I chose the former. I threw my pre-conceived notions of my future (or at least my desires for my future) out the window. I have spent a lot of time singing songs about it ("To God my deepest heart...You have all my heart"; "In Your freedom I will live...I offer devotion") that it was time to worship in a Romans 12 way and live my empty words out. I knew full well this wouldn't happen in a day, so I took the one-day-at-a-time approach.

Before I knew it, I was finding my ample opportunities to be alone very welcoming. I knew nothing & no one else could fill me, and for once, I didn't want anything else. To let God & God alone fill my life has been a daily conscious goal for me, and in that I've found myself distracted from the source of my self-pity: myself.

The next thing I knew, God was throwing me a bone. This didn't happen in the sense that He snapped His fingers to my exact specifications. Instead, He gave me an opportunity to step up & step out in faith so that He too could show Himself faithful. Now I find myself on a brand new journey of sorts that is due to last an indeterminable amount of time.

The journey tastes sweet and I'm looking forward to new challenges & growth opportunities ahead. I now know that apart from the Lord, though, this part of my life cannot live up to its fullest potential...and I don't think I want it any other way. Therefore, I will continue to wait patiently each day and strive to walk in the freedom to become more like Jesus.

2009-10-04T22:12:00.023-05:00

Life is moving and things are changing whether I want them to or not. God is a big God and He is giving me big things to think about.

More to come.

P.S. Where is my "blogging community" these days?

Realizations of an Easy Life

2009-09-08T13:10:00.022-05:00

Almost 3 months I've put this off. It's time for words to be vomited. This could be disastrous, considering I have no idea what I'm going to write...a "stream of consciousness", if you will. Summer has come and gone. It is characteristic of summer to be set apart as a time of changes or events...neither of which have been the case for me. Rather, for me it has been a season of realization...the realization that my "norm" is no longer the norm for me, and it never will be.

You see, most of my life I have been dependent on other people, places, & things to keep my life eventful & interesting, to keep my character developing, and to keep my faith growing. This went on for long enough that I first got used to it, and later became dependent on it. The problem with this is that for me and most people, the world shifts from a constant state of flux to a constant state of beige, much like the colors of my tiny cubicle. Coincidence? I think not.

Realization #1: I am now a grown-up. Or, perhaps more accurately, I neither think or feel that I am, nor do I want to be, yet life circumstances are forcing me to play the part. So, as far as anyone else is concerned, I am a grown-up. As a grown-up, I can no longer be spoon fed. I can no longer depend on collegiate Christian bubbles or other people's time & money. I have been handed the reigns. While I continue to be watched by eyes above, what happens from here on out is entirely up to me. I can inevitably benefit somehow from any choice that I make. I have to be careful, though, because even worse than certain choices having adverse consequences, certain choices made can result in the losing out of favorable, life-changing benefits. So there you have it. I am allowed to make this life count for something. I am the only one who can. I can choose to capitalize on every interaction and opportunity that comes my way, and as a result, I can leave a legacy, or if nothing else, have some great stories to tell when I'm old & degenerate. My world may never again be black & white. Gray was never my favorite color, but I'll have to learn to live with that. I've experienced enough in my short life thus far that I would never wish for the worst person in the world to have to experience, so whatever wrong choices I make, I know I'll survive.

But survival is not the point!

I'm not as concerned with bad things happening as I am with missing out on the good in life. The training wheels have come off. Now I have to live very intentionally as if to create the good in my life. If you've mastered this, please stand up so we can acknowledge you. (This is the part where there's an awkward silence in a large auditorium, and the speaker makes the point that there's not a soul on the planet who has succeeded without some measure of difficulty & hard work.) I'm still on track. Not only am I familiar with difficulty & hard work, my life has been marked by it.

Realization #2: As much change & flux as there has been in my life thus far, this is the one thing that hasn't changed. I love change so much that I want the one constant in my life to be no more. I want things to be easy for a while...maybe even for good. The pulse within me that longs to seize each moment and make it mine is now being overshadowed by an even deeper, more resonant desire to stop working. Stop struggling. Stop fighting. Stop (insert other synonyms). I want this so much that I'm willing to let life pass me by, to bear the remorse of this decision, and to simply exist - nothing more.

Here we go again - the spirit v. the flesh. Is anyone else as tired of this as I am? As part of this realization, all I can do is delay the inevitable reconciliation of this "stream of consciousness" with the knowledge that there is a God who is at work in every right or wrong choice I make, as well as the umbrella that holds it all. And that's exactly what I've been doing.

I think I'm finally about to break.

To Be Continued/Determined

Dangerous Ties

2009-06-19T11:14:00.059-05:00

I've realized this much: it seems that in many ways I am living for the world (things that pass away) v. living for eternity (things that do not pass away), which I suppose is a part of the situation in which I am trapped. I know I do not want to be tied to this world but if someone gave me a check for $x0,000, I do not know if it would be that easy to let go of the things of this world I have grown accustomed to. However, I know I have made more difficult decisions than this, and I have never felt less obsolete than when I have devoted my world to serving someone other than myself.

I know there is a way out. I do not want it to take 10 years or more, but even if it does, there is a way out, and it will be worth it. I just have to find it. My soul depends on it.

New

2009-05-29T20:30:00.002-05:00

I'm trying something new.

What that is exactly is not as important as the fact that it is new.

I could very well not succeed, but luckily, success is not the point.

Things have been unchanging for far too long.

YHWH

2009-04-29T11:16:00.004-05:00

I find it interesting that in the Bible, the first time God refers to himself as "the LORD" (YHWH) is after he delivers the Israelites from slavery to the Egyptians. He then spends an entire book & a half reading them the specifics of His law. In doing so, He is sure to state his reasoning as "because I am the LORD" or "because I delivered you from the hands of the Egyptians". He asks them to follow His law and to follow it to the letter for this reason, but also because that is what is most pleasing to Him.

I am not going to pretend to be a Bible scholar or a super Christian - not even for a second. However, by connecting the dots, one could come to the conclusion that the name YHWH signifies a two-fold element of God's character: (1) He is holy, and as such, He takes his holiness very seriously; (2) nevertheless, He still cares for His people and will fight for them by whatever means necessary, knowing full well they are incapable of keeping His law and will rebel.

After several more cycles of restoration & rebellion between God & God's people, plus 400 years of silence, He chose to put an end to that law and establish a new covenant by sacrificing His Son in the flesh, thus ending our separation from the Holy of Holies. It is only in God's character to do only what is pleasing to Him. He could've accomplished this in any way He wanted, but instead chose to do this in our favor.

We can't keep His law on our own. He knows this. But, not only did He choose to be pleased with us, He chose to do so in our favor. Nothing we can do is worthy of earning God's love, grace, & forgiveness, nor is it necessary.

"In God we trust...even when He looks like the enemy."

Easter

2009-04-14T15:10:00.002-05:00

Here's a quick thought I have:

Easter is not over.

Yes, it may only be designated on the calendar for one Sunday per year dependent on the vernal equinox (or something like that), but Biblically, it is here and now. Christ is alive & risen here and now. May we swallow our Cadbury bunnies and let this impact our lives everyday. Though I struggle to find how this should look in my life, I long to live in the power of His resurrection.

______________________________

On an entirely separate note, be looking for my EP in late 2009 (title to be determined). Maybe if I start saying this to people, I'll start working towards this and it will actually become true.

Balance

2009-03-21T18:01:00.004-05:00

Current Location: Uncle Sassafras (car); parking lot at my apartment complex office
Currently Listening: Brooke Fraser
Currently Wanting: More

After another month-long hiatus, I'm afraid yet again I have very little to bring to the table.

This word has been very intriguing to me for the last several years - ever since the day I finally realized that I (and everyone else) am fallen, broken, and in desperate need of grace & mercy. The Bible says that for those who trust in Jesus to do so, they will be rescued from these bodies of sin & death. Until that day comes, for those who believe, Jesus asks us to live our lives in spite of this, reflecting the glory of the One who delivered us by living so much unlike who we are in our nature. He knows that until we leave these bodies, and until He comes to rule this earth, our flesh & spirit will war against each other for the balance of power in our lives. Far too often, that balance in my lives is shifted in the wrong direction. In a roundabout way, I think this is God's goal for me as I wait for Christ's return - balance. Balance between facing the truth of who I came into this world as, and eradicating that with the truth of who I am in Christ, and who God created me to be. I must confess:

This body cannot take much more.

We are an unbalanced people, of whom I am chief.

I'm ready for this power struggle to end.

I long for balance.

I long for Home.

God, help me.

What Would You Do?

2009-02-20T17:25:00.002-06:00

Starting this week I have added a second job to my weekly routine. Between roughly 5:30 & 6 Sunday-Thursday evenings I can be found making my way about the city amongst a plethora of other drivers who are anxious to get home. Each night this week, while in traffic at West Pennway & Southwest Boulevard, the same homeless man has been standing there with a sign that reads something like "Homeless...Help...Anything" (my memory is a little fuzzy due to an extreme lack of sleep this week).

Each time my heart breaks for this man, though I have no way of knowing who's really to blame for his state. If you know me, you know I've been given a heart for hospitality - more specifically, to practice Kingdom living by helping those in need in very practical ways; in fact, that is why I am doing everything possible to get out of debt as fast as I possibly can - ergo, why I am working 80 hours a week.

Unfortunately, I face myself with a dilemma each time in the American-ness of my ways, or a conflict of interest, if you will: I want to stop and talk to this man (even though I'm scared to) or at least give him money for food (even though he could spend it on drugs, alcohol, or something else stereotypical), but given the fact that I walk 3 football fields' length from my car to my workstation, plus have to stop to get a temporary badge until I'm issued my permanent badge for employee parking, I have to be sure I'm extra early for my shift. As I'm sure you've guessed, I've been choosing the latter, but this has been eating at me.

I keep coming back to the mid-90's mantra of "What Would Jesus Do?". Would he help the homeless man even beyond simply giving a handout and being on his way? Or, would he try and remain a good steward of his time & responsibilities for the sake of later freeing himself up for more Kingdom responsibility?

Reply to this post and tell me: what would you do v. your perception of what Jesus would do?

$4,000?!?!?!?!

2009-02-06T13:44:00.003-06:00

This morning when I got into work I received a call on my cell phone from a 417 area code. I was intrigued, so I decided to stop what I was doing and take the call from my patient account rep at Citizens Memorial Hospital in Bolivar, MO, whom I spoke with the day before regarding my patient account balance (which will be paid off once I receive my severance check next week). The following is a paraphrase of our conversation:

Me: Hello, this is Tim.

CMH: Hello, this is Renee calling from Patient Accounting at Citizens Memorial. I was calling to let you know that we did get your account balance updated in our system, and we do show a remaining balance of $4,....

Me: Excuse me?! Are ya SURE about that?!

CMH: This is regarding 3 doctors' visits and a hospital visit from 2006.

Me: Right, and I've been making payments on that SINCE 2006! We spoke yesterday and you told me my account balance was under $900. My most recent billing statement does not reflect any $4,000 amount!

CMH: I'd be happy to send you a copy of the bill for those services to 7575 W....

Me: That is my correct address but that is not my correct balance! You must have something crossed in your system. My original bill was over $4,000 for an ER visit in August 2006 but I've been paying on that since 2006!

CMH: Wait a second...who is this?

Me: This is Tim Sowards. We spoke yesterday regarding my account balance.

CMH: Ohhhh yeahhh....hang on a second.

CMH: Ok, I think I put your contact info into the account for another Tim who had these services. I'm showing your balance as $818.66.

Me: Ok...that sounds more correct! I'm sorry if I came across as rude, but you really scared me!

And that, my friends, was today's heart attack. I never thought I could envoke such emotion! Other than that, God is good, and life is slowly getting better.

Please See Below...

2009-01-21T13:22:00.002-06:00

This was the entry that I thought I had lost, but fortunately, I just discovered it autosaved near the end! Please give it a read and share your thoughts.

02.17.09 - "Blow It Out Your Earrrrrrrrr"

2009-01-14T15:17:00.003-06:00

So far 2009 is bringing about some changes in my life...some which I am not ok with. Lucky for you all, I'm not intending to write about myself this time, so we'll just have to save this for later.

This last year the media has continued to bombard us with ads reminding us of the DTV transition for analog to all-digital, second only to the 2008 election. Starting February 17, 2009, if you use an antenna to watch your favorite programs on local TV, you're going to be very disappointed because at midnight all full-power television stations in the U.S. will stop broadcasting in analog and switch to 100% digital broadcasting. However, we have options such as connecting to cable, satellite, or another pay-TV service, or purchasing a TV with a built-in digital tuner. Or, for my fellow white trash friends, the government offers the TV Converter Box Coupon Program which can save you $40 on a TV converter box, valued at $50-70.

My opinion: once was enough.

It irks me to see what we've become as a society and the rapid movement in that same direction (and my involvement in that), and I think the DTV transition is a great example. Once the transition is complete, some television channels will be turned over to fire and police departments for emergency communication and others are being auctioned to companies to provide new wireless services. You'd think if there wasn't enough room in the air for each of us to be constantly glued to our cell phones and wrapped up in ourselves, we'd rethink the value of the simpler things in life. Instead, our "me" attitude has once again led Congress to extremes such as mandating this transition.

Also, if you do choose to apply for the Coupon Program, you will see this message: "The TV Converter Box Coupon Program has reached its funding ceiling. However, coupon requests from eligible households will be filled as funds from expiring coupons become available. If you would like to apply for a coupon today and are eligible, you will be placed on a waiting list and will receive coupons on a first-come-first-served basis as funds from expiring coupons become available." Are we really so desperate that the government does not have enough available funding for everyone to use this program, and that over 100,000 people have been placed on this waiting list?

Don't mistake this as a "holier than thou" stance. I look forward to clearer pictures without having to pay for cable or satellite, and I very much support the increase in emergency communication & broadcast space. Heck, I may even purchase an antenna for my converter box. :-) But a much larger part of me has to look at this and say "What have we become?"

Now is your chance to share your opinions, insights, & research on the DTV 2009 transition. I want to know what each of you have to say on the subject, and hopefully we can generate some semi-decent discussion. Annnnndddd....go!

One Month Later

2008-12-26T08:44:00.005-06:00

Once again, I am dry on words. I wish I could muse you all with an anecdote, an epiphany, a humorous or spiritually enlightening story, or really just anything worth reading. Yet, once again, everything is exactly the same as it was a month ago when I last posted (and it's been a quick month, like most months tend to be when you get older). This is a bad habit, and I need to get back to the place where I was constantly evolving, changing, etc. Of course, saying it means absolutely nothing without action.

But, I will say this. This is the first year in many, many years that I've been able to tell people "Merry Christmas" and mean it. No, I am not against Christmas, and I am certainly not against Jesus (not intentionally, anyway), but the holidays have always been the darkest time of year for me. So, for me, this is huge. The Lord has ministered to me in a powerful way this season. I'll spare the details here.

And today is my last day of work for 11 days. Holla. Big Balla. Shot calla.

Why Am I A Musician?

2008-11-26T17:39:00.002-06:00

Since I was young, I've wanted to be used by God in a mighty way, to have an impact on the world, and for the two to coincide. In my adolescence, I wasn't a very dynamic individual, and all I was good at was making social situations awkward and remembering the correct answers on tests for long enough before I forgot them. Then, piece-by-piece, I discovered that to some extent I was capable of doing all things musical. Perhaps it was at that point that I found my niche.

Only, there was (is) one small problem. It is very natural for me to use music as a means of expressing myself vulnerably. When I'm in front of people, I prefer to be perceived as strong, not weak like I am. I tell people about my love & passion for music and how for years it has taken up a sizeable chunk of my time, yet many of those people have never heard me sing, toot a horn, strum a guitar, pound on a piano, or burp my ABC's.

For years I have been hung up on this. Prior to my adolescence, I loved being in the spotlight. I would do anything in front of as many people as possible in order to win their attention, if not their love & affection. I've never quite figured out what had changed; all I've ever known is that something did change, and something inside of me caused it.

We were discussing missions at church a few days ago, and how it specifically pertains to one's individual personality and abilities. For many of us, our jobs would be our first guess as far as a platform for missions. As much as I love people, though, I am called to work as unto the Lord, and I work best with little social interaction. I am open to deep conversations with co-workers, however it often interferes with work duties when the opportunity comes up. The next place my mind went was music. How can I use music as a platform for everyday missions? And why aren't I doing that now?

And then it hit me like a bastard child on my doorstep.

I often associate being strong, competent, etc. with greatness, and I often make the mistake of associating greatness with being the best. Too often, I obsess over how people perceive me & my abilities compared to other's. I shy away from openness with my artistic abilities because I am not the best, and I know it. I perceive that others would spend their time comparing me to someone greater than immersing themselves in the moment. Chances are that you would disagree with that notion. Chances are that you're right to do so.

What is the point of greatness if it's not being used for the Kingdom? What does it say about me if I'm more concerned with making myself great than I am with making Him greater? With that being said, I am resolving to once again commit to writing more of my own music in order to meet my goal of recording an EP by the end of 2009 - and I expect to be held accountable to this. In addition, once I feel I've created enough decent music, I will search out opportunities to perform in front of people, many of whom will probably think I'm a terrible musician. Even now, I'm considering finding a street corner downtown in the near future and just playing music, whether it be my own, cover songs, or dare I say, praise & worship. I will leave my guitar case open and if money happens to find itself inside of there, I will use it to by a homeless and/or needy person a hot meal and dine with them. If that doesn't work out, I will put it toward my own debt, as I hear slavery to the lender makes Kingdom living difficult.

All that to say...I think I learned something new about myself recently. What have you been learning about yourself recently? Please comment below, as I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Happy 4th Thursday of November. Jesus is alive. As if that isn't enough, our overweight, greedy little bodies are blessed with far more than we deserve (death, that is).

Hope

2008-11-20T11:04:00.002-06:00

I currently find myself in a season of weight. No, I have not gained weight, though we can only hope that one day I will. I have a few different situations in my life that are less than favorable, but overall not too much to handle on their own. However, those who know me well enough know that the holidays for me are synonymous with some very negative emotions. Throw anything else into the mix, and you get the picture.

Recently my convictions are leading me to count my blessings and be thankful for even the basic necessities and conveniences I have (that half the world does not), versus giving into jealousy and covetry towards others who have the things I want deep down. Beyond that, the last couple days have been filled with good news:

1. At work, when we received the announcement that we were closing, we were told that by law we had to be given a 60-day notice - not so much for our termination date, but for when we would quit drawing a salary (severance, stay bonus, etc.) - and that the notice would begin with the sale closing. We have all been on the edge of our seat not knowing how much time we have left. However, it was clarified yesterday that our 60 days has not begun, and will not begin until we get an official written letter with a termination date. Ergo, I have a job for at least 2 more months...likely for longer, as we were told we'd probably not receive any notice until at least Janurary.

2. This means that my vacation benefits will still be in effect, and starting January 1 I get 17 paid days off for the year. When my job ends, I can only cash in up to 10 of those days, meaning I need to use some days...meaning, I will not need to cut my end-of-the-year vacation short (Nicholas).

3. Today I had an interview for a permanent position in one of our very small departments who will not be laid off at any point. It would be a lateral move, and the position would be almost identical to what I'm doing now (which isn't great, but certainly ok for the time being). Almost everyone in my department applied for the position, and I was encouraged to learn that I was 1 of 4 people chosen to be interviewed. I also scored 100% on the pre-employment test (the same test I took before I was hired here). The department manger recognized me from my Halloween costume and was glad that "someone with personality is interviewing for the position". It was a pretty formal interview, but it went very well (also an encouragement, as I suck at interviews). She was very friendly, easy-going, and had a sense of humor. Plus, I feel I was articulate in explaining my qualifications and philosophy in a work environment. I should know something by Thanksgiving.

All of this was work-related, but all of this is great news, considering CareerBuilder has virtually nothing to offer someone in my position. This world has little to offer, but thankfully this world is not my home.

Your turn to count your blessings - whether general or specific, I want to know what you're thankful for. What do you hope in?

Insecure?

2008-11-07T16:43:00.004-06:00

I stumbled across a sentence in a book which, paraphrased, states "Only secure people can serve God." (Try and take a guess at which Rick Warren book that is.) He goes on to state that those who, for example, have serious pride issues or who seek approval & validation from others are showing signs of insecurity and therefore cannot serve as Jesus served.

Wow.

We had a few minutes of good discussion on this recently in our small group. Here is what we (and myself) have concluded: as a blanket statement, that is not entirely true. It is evident in scripture that God does not limit His work to those who are most equipped & qualified; He often calls out those who are weak & unworthy of such a calling. However, to serve as Christ served in his time on Earth is to do so without approval, recognition, validation, or reward - often times with opposition or disapproval, that is, if someone even sees you. This can certainly be a problem for someone who lacks security in who they are (or for the Christian, in who God's Word says they are in Christ Jesus).

This can especially be a problem is you read too much into my last statement. There is no denying that we are a broken, fallen people, so of course there isn't a single one of us who doesn't have to battle insecurities in some way, shape, or form. Nevertheless, it is even more true today than yesterday that to follow Jesus we are to be radically different from the rest of the world - for example, what the liberal media has bombarded us with for the last 24 months, and what the majority of America voted for on Tuesday. We are to follow his example for the sake of emulating him, and ultimately (hopefully) offering others that saving relationship, and to do so without expectation of gain.

I'd like to hear others' thoughts on this subject. If someone put a gun to your head, would you say you are a secure or an insecure person as a whole? What insecurities do you most often experience and/or battle? To be a Christian (a true follower of Jesus), do you feel that requires total security, in who you are, or in Christ in you? If so, how well do you measure up? What agreements or disagreements do you have with anything I've written?

EDIT: It was pointed out that in the next to last paragraph there may have been a hint of a personal political statement. Since that was written 3 days ago, it's hard to pinpoint what my exact thought process was at the time. I feel my only intent was to use a current event as an example, which in this case it doesn't get much more current than the election. My comment was directed to us as a society, and how our me-first attitude (i.e. spending money we don't have for things we don't need) has influenced a majority of voters to swing left. Neverthless, it doesn't matter what I think or what I mean to say. My speech should not have a hint of bias, nor should it even suggest that religious & political views are always synonymous with each other. My blog is not intended to be a political platform, nor am I very politically-minded. So for that, I apologize. If my words are ever anything but God-honoring, please call me out, as I know most of you would ask the same of me.

Selflessness

2008-10-13T17:13:00.003-05:00

These last few days have brought me some interesting experiences and, along with that, one blatantly obvious conclusion.

We, as a whole, are a selfish breed, and we choose to remain mired in our ways despite the visible destruction we cause ourselves and others.

For example, I'm sure most of you are sick of hearing about the plummeting stock market and how our economy is on the verge of another depression. I wish I knew all the technical financial lingo to make it sound like I'm saying something intelligent, but everyone who knows me knows I'm not very intelligent. However, as the expression goes, we've made our bed, and now it's time to lie in it. Somewhere along the line it became easy for people to obtain & spend money they don't have: so easy, in fact, that not only is it a way of life for the majority, but to be debt-free is both rare and "not a big deal." And when we spend money we don't have, those who do will run out. When we run out of money, it becomes very difficult to pay others for their services, and we magically no longer require those services. This means that people lose their jobs. I found out last week that I am going to be one of those people, and to be honest, it irks me just a tad to know that this happened because others have no regard for self or others. What's that magic phrase again? Ding-ding-ding - self-control!

I also had the pleasure of seeing an old college buddy get hitched this weekend, and with that, seeing a couple of my close guy friends who are several states away. A good time was had by all, and there may or may not have been alcoholic beverages involved. Unfortunately, a couple individuals (thankfully it was not more than a couple) did not keep control of their consumption of said beverages. Again, we see how a lack of self-control hurts self and others - one makes an ass of oneself, while those who care about them are hurt because they wants what's best for that person and instead get to witness the polar opposite.

Our selfishness often times appears to permeate our every molecule. I think it even comes out in our sincere attempts to perform acts of selflessness - not necessarily because of impure motives, but sometimes because we take pride in knowing what's best for someone else or even just being right. This is often not the case. At the end of Job 2 (when the bad stuff first happens to Job), his friends were there for him; however, contrary to our natural tendencies, they did not try to speak words of comfort and advice or do anything for him. Instead, "they sat in silence for 7 days and 7 nights, for they saw that his pain was very great." This is probably not something I would've thought of if I was Job's friend. Granted, this was the only time in the book of Job that they did anything right, but that's beside the point.

Beware the footholds that Satan can grab hold of in your life. Though I serve a God who's more powerful than our Enemy, the fact remains that he does have the power to grab hold of us in virutally any way, shape, or form. Even our selfless deeds and good intentions. Look for opportunities to give of yourselves and serve someone else without intent of gain, and in doing so, never stop examining yourselves.

Secrets, Secrets Are No Fun; Secrets, Secrets Hurt Someone

2008-09-29T15:36:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago I decided to mention an unspoken prayer request to some friends of mine; however, my stupid, blabber-mouth self decided that if I at least gave minimal details, the others could at least pray more specifically without knowing too much information. I decided to mention the bare necessities of the situation, as it involved another mutual friend and my confidence level was not looking so hot. Of course, while I didn't mention names or subject matter, what I didn't count on is that any of these people would remember what I had said to them.

A couple weeks after that, I was gathered with said people, as well as Said Person. One of the said people decided to take it upon himself to ask me for an update on what I had mentioned in front of everyone, including Said Person. Though Said Person's attention seemed to be diverted at the time...still...talk about awkward!

Just the other night, some of us guys were shooting the breeze when one of them said, "Hey, I know I'm changing the subject, but I was gonna ask..." with a humongous grin on his face. You know that grin...it's the one you get when somebody asks you about a member of the opposite sex. However, I quickly silenced him and politely stated that this was off-limits and not open to discussion.

At that point, I would've been fine. Nevertheless, it is me we're talking about.

Prior to the questions being brought up, we were talking about how certain situations amongst our mutual friends are bound to create some form of drama - mild or otherwise. Like I said, I would've been fine...had I kept my mouth shut. Instead, some synapse in my brain misfired, convincing me it was necessary to mention that if it were in reference to a girl, then the very thing we were discussing would be the reason I would not want to mention any details.

Then, my friend's facial expression went beyond the goofy grin. His eyes began to widen & gleam. You know that look...the one that says "Say no more...I know exactly who you're talking about...and it is JUICY indeed!"

It was unmistakable.

The moral of this story: if you're going to keep a secret, keep the secret a secret, and so on. No one is as dumb as they may seem, especially when it comes to other people & social situations. Give them a little, and they will take a lot.

To my long-distance friends: I appreciate everything about our friendship, including the distance, except for the part about not talking or hanging out very often. Secrets are much easier to keep in close proximity when they are leaked out at a distance.

I wish I was better at keeping secrets.

Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry!

2008-09-12T16:44:00.003-05:00

I'm toying with the idea of purchasing a mobile home at some point within the next few months.

That is all.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Empty

2008-09-02T13:10:00.003-05:00

Once again I have kept all few of you waiting, and yet have nothing to bring to the table once again.

I often tell people that the cleanliness of my work and/or living space is a pretty accurate picture of the order of my life. Right now, my desk is cluttered with useless crap and the front of my tiny apartment is in disarray from a week ago Sunday. However, I can now see my bedroom floor. This is an improvement, if nothing else.

My level of security & self-esteem can be described as waning and inconsistent at best. In laymens' terms, I feel bogged down by sin and most of the time lonely, even though there are several people in my life who "claim" me and a God who promises to fill any voids. Usually I'd go spend money on myself when I feel like this, but that's not something I have much of. Although I purchased a Boss TU-2 chromatic guitar pedal tuner for a good price, it's hard to allow myself not to feel guilty about it.

You'd think in these times that I'd devote more time to working on music, reading, cleaning, or practicing spiritual disciplines. I search endlessly for inspiration, yet I remain lacking.

As always, if I chose to get to the heart of the issue, I'd discover it's probably my own damn fault.

Secure

2008-08-15T13:39:00.002-05:00

I have nothing that I feel inspired to write about (that I haven't agreed to not share in a legally binding document); hence, why I've avoided blogging over the last several days.

Have I accomplished anything recently? No, not really. Have I solved any of my problems? Certainly not...in fact, some may have gotten worse. However, today, I am on the upside of my instability, meaning that for no particular reason whatsoever, I'm feeling good, and things aren't getting me down. Some would call that secure. I would call that "luck of the draw".

And that is where I'm at today.

And I get to go water skiing this weekend.

Fin.

Urbanization, Hepatitis, Power Rangers, & American Idol: How to Spice Up Your Life

2008-07-31T11:46:00.007-05:00

I appreciate all feedback received on my last blog post. Unfortunately, pencils are considered obsolete around this office, I have little interest in TV (especially without TV reception), and you couldn't pay me to read celebrity gossip. :-) As for the haikus, I think that is a hilarious idea...unfortunately, any department-wide e-mails have to be pre-approved, and I don't see that going over very well. However, I have been spending a little more time on Wikipedia checking out demographics for different areas people call in from. One of our biggest clients is the City of Tempe (AZ), a suburb of Phoenix. That area defines urban sprawl. I could not imagine why anyone would want to live in an urban area...in the desert, mind you. Last night I saw a program on my friend's TV where they were in Phoenix and it was 105 degrees! Sheesh! But I digress.
__________________________________________________________

Even in just the last week, I think I'm making a little bit of progress as far as being content in the here and now, but also in making real effort to make my life a little less monotonous.

Today my office is hosting a blood drive, for which I signed up to participate in. This is a big deal, as in 2002 I had a very negative experience attempting to donate blood. Now that I'm a water-holic, I figured it was safe to try again. Unfortunately, I had to open my big mouth and tell them I had hepatitis 12 years ago. Then I couldn't remember what type it was - it was in 7th grade, and hepatitis is hepatitis when you're vomiting non-stop. I would have to go to extremes that are not worth going to in order to determine what type of hepatitis I had whilst puking during several episodes of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Then, off all things...not even my own mother remembers me having hepatits!

Finally, I have a friend who is a local youth pastor and aspiring musician, who has responded to a double-dog dare from his youth to audition for American Idol next week at Kemper Arena in Kansas City. In response to this dare, he then suckered me into auditioning as well. So, on August 7th & 8th, I will be taking some paid vacation time to audition for the next American Idol. If anyone needs me at some point after that, you can find me at the top. :-)

Things To Do

2008-07-24T15:13:00.002-05:00

The nature of my job is often pretty busy and ongoing. However, I would say that about 25% of the time, there are no incoming calls, and nothing to be followed up on. During that time...well, let's just say I can only check e-mail/facebook/blog/etc. so many times, considering the low volume of correspondence I receive. So to the few of you who actually read my blog, I am opening up the floor to new & exciting ideas for filling up my free time! Go!

Killin' Time

2008-07-17T16:48:00.004-05:00

I have reached a painful conclusion: I feel this is what I've been doing for the past several months.

In several ways, this is a very good thing. For example, I've been out of college for over a year; for me, college meant, for the most part, all work and no play. I still wonder if I'm fully recovered from burnout. Those who know me know that I give my all in anything and everything...until I reach burnout.

However, somewhere in the mundane, I believe I was really connecting with people and doing other things which matter in light of eternity. I honestly can't say I feel the same way about this current season in my life.

Case in point: the music minister at my church is rotating me in & out to play acoustic guitar (and maybe sing in his "mini-choir"). Last night I practiced with the praise team for the first time. Even with being plugged into 3 different pedals and an in-ear monitor, the reality is that with drums, bass, two electric guitars, keys, and multiple singers, an acoustic guitar is a subtle addition at best. I know from my experience in similar setups that I have never been able to hear the acoustic guitar underneath anything...except 1 other acoustic guitar. While this is in part my response to conviction that I need to be serving in my local church somehow, it's hard to convince myself I'm not just a warm body wasting space. Disclaimer: I know that both big and small acts of service count in the eyes of God, and I am not denying that.

Since moving to KS, I have fallen into a "peer group", per se. They're great when I want to do fun stuff and for the sake of not being by myself. Things appear good and healthy to anyone that would look upon me...and us. However, let's face it - they haven't connected with me, and I haven't connected with them. They don't know where I've been, what I've faced, what I've experienced, who I've known, or the full extent of my extremely Type-C complex personality. I'm certain I've either been pegged as too much or too little.

I recently had a birthday lunch at Lambert's Cafe, where there were far more attendees than I ever anticipated, thereby causing me to further stretch my mingling skills. Reality hit me hard when for the sake of former college acquaintances, I had little to account for over the last year or so. And of course, I didn't talk about when my car flooded because I wasn't thinking about it, and it's hard for me to condense that.

I am by no means just sitting around and having myself a pity party, nor am I seeking your attention. Those days are left in the dust with Xanga. Besides, I somehow keep myself busy with plenty of things. Nevertheless, for the sake of making myself write and keeping this blog updated, this is where I am at today...just killin' time.

A Patriotic Rant

2008-07-09T10:28:00.003-05:00

I show that nobody has updated in a few days...myself included. Now that I'm back into blogging purely for the sake of writing (and not for attention or popularity), I hope this "community" among friends does not die off so quickly this time around.

This last 4th of July weekend I had a last-minute opportunity to go down to the lake in N.E. Oklahoma for a day of water skiing and baking in the sun. When I wasn't wiping out on the water, I had a little bit of time to reflect on "Independence Day".

As I'm sure many would agree, when I think of the 4th of July, I think of a nation with not only innumerable resources, but innumerable freedoms to use those however they wish. I think of meat being cooked, games being played, TV's being watched, bodies of water being occupied, and resources being hoarded. My conclusion:

We. Are. Spoiled.

I think of how the Lord designated the Israelites as his chosen people. I think of how in spite of their sin & rebellion, He continued to bestow His blessing upon them (for a time). Because they continued in their wicked ways despite God's favor, He extended the "blessing" to a new group of people, not limited to locale or nationality; this was based on one thing: Jesus. Because of Jesus, we, the church, are now those chosen people. We are the ones experiencing God's favor, whether it feels like it or not.

Unfortunately, the parallels line up all too well, as we are also Israel - walking in the same sin, partaking in the same rebellion. In my own opinion, America is the worst example; I don't say this because we are the most hateful or violent nation, but because we are the most blessed, blind to Whom the blessings come from, and yet as a majority we are purely driven by a word called "me". We take everything we're given and continue to take advantage in a very self-destructive way.

I am grieved by this.

This is a time in my life where I have a list of unanswered questions for God which will likely remain unanswered in this lifetime. Add to the list: Why America? Why do You continue to bless us so (especially we who call ourselves followers of Jesus) when we are blatantly living in rebellion? I truly believe a day will come when we are one of many persecuted third-world nations...but why have we made it this long so far?

To the church, I offer this challenge: go against the norm. Break free of this stereotype. In everything we say and do, let us ask ourselves how this reflects the heart of Christ. Are we making a sincere effort to bring glory to our Creator in even the little things? Are we using our "stuff" we've been given to truly bless others (and in doing so, bless the Lord)?

I'm afraid to give an honest answer for myself. However, today, let us be spurred on toward Godliness.

Modesty

2008-06-25T16:29:00.003-05:00

I feel that part of my hesitation for writing full-out blog posts is due to feeling a need to impress you. The other day I was meditating on this and came to a very profound conclusion: it's not going to happen...at least, not today. There have been no recent events significant enough to measure up to these expectations which I set for myself. (Actually, that's not true at all. However, I don't feel I have any significant events that are appropriate to write about.)

With that being said, I give you...the mundane. Currently I am sitting in my very own private cubicle. Things are mostly silent, it seems. This is good. While I don't feel my job truly fits under the category of "stressful", I have been experiencing a natural stress over learning the ropes of my position and talking with providers' offices, pretending like I have experience working with health insurance. This has been one of the most calming moments I've experienced in the last 2 weeks I've been "on my own". No calls are coming in. No matters need to be followed up on. No faxes need to be forwarded on. Nobody needs me to send them a copy of everything. There is no work to be done. This is great.

For our callers who don't like to remain on hold, they have the option of being transferred to a general voicemail for the entire queue. The responsibility to check these voicemails has fallen on another one of our reps, who just left for vacation. In an attempt to make myself look good to my supervisors, I volunteered to help keep up with these voicemails. Fortunately, there have been no messages for me to return. :-)

However, I did receive the call from hell today. A New Yawker (Yorker) from a dentist's office started throwing out all these procedure codes (which I advised to her I could not look up) and terminology even my supervisors have never heard of before. I was probably on the phone with her for upwards of 30 minutes. When I finished with the call, I literally threw my headset against the wall of my cubicle. My boss laughed. But hey...perhaps my job would be obsolete if other people did their jobs, eh? Who am I to complain? If this is the worst story I have so far, then I certainly have no desire to do so.

In other news, I will be meeting a Mr. J. (and I think a Mrs. J?) in Lee's Summit for dinner next week. He's a decent enough fellow that I'm even willing to meet him in Lee's Summit. Grrr, I hate that stupid town! I'm so glad I don't live or work there anymore. Kansas rules!

Scheduled Outage

2008-06-24T17:59:00.001-05:00

I was going to write a new blog post. But, I just noticed that there's a scheduled outage at 4:00 P.M. PDT...that's 6:00 here. It's 6:00 now. Whoops.

We Are Family....Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

2008-06-18T17:31:00.002-05:00

This last weekend I made an excursion outside of Kansas City for the first time since right before Christmas. I was able to spend time with a good friend talking about real life and other things that are not so important; in addition, we enjoyed breakfast at our favorite smoke-filled mom & pop eatery...without the smoke. I was also able to hit up an old Bolivar, MO haunt (restaurant) with an old friend of sorts, and be with him as he continues to mend a broken heart. Also, I was supposed to call another friend and meet up with her in between; alas, it did not happen. Though she was allegedly not bothered by it, I still felt bad...on one hand. On the other, I felt important, as apparently there was not enough of myself to go around. That's not a feeling I often experience.

I did not return to my old home of Willard, MO until Saturday evening. By that point, I had slept so little and traveled so much that I was exhausted. It normally bothers me quite a bit that my family is ok with complaining about what's on TV and the proceeding to watch it without any kind of real interaction with each other. However, on that particular evening it was just what I needed. My stay there yet again turned out to be less than 24 hours. Nevertheless, I left with a sense of gratefulness for knowing what I have waiting for me, as well as what I'm free to leave behind. Try and figure that one out, Trebek.

Most importantly, this last weekend was a milestone of sorts as I reunited with my half-brother Tom, whom I haven't seen in 10 years or spoken to in 7 years. I wasn't terribly worried about it, save the anticipation of slight awkwardness. I arrived expecting to hit up a nearby restaurant and be on my way. Instead, Tom and his wife Jessica greeted me with smiles and barbecue burgers, introducing me as "Uncle Tim" to my niece (Sophie, age 3) and nephew (Jack, 7 months). My stay went on longer than expected as we maintained a natural, relaxed conversation, and as I held Jack and played with Sophie. I guess it's true: you never know how much fun it is to be an uncle/aunt until you are one. This was only the 1st time, mind you.

It was a successful, yet tiring weekend, topped off with a visit to a dairy farm in Harrisonville for milk straight from the cow. After several weeks of sleeping difficulties preceding that, there are few things sweeter than falling asleep and actually feeling like a grown-up. Well...almost.

Reviving Flood

2008-06-12T17:04:00.002-05:00

While my search for inspiration continues, I thought I would explain the meaning behind my username. When one sees "revivingflood", they likely think a) that it's something cheesy and spiritual, or b) that it's a double entendre of sorts (floods do the opposite of reviving...they drown and kill people). If you fit into one of those categories of people, then please know that it's only a half-truth. However, those two half-truths could be seen as combining to form the bigger picture. In that case...good for you. Go stuff yourself with chocolate chip cookies, why don't ya?

August 20, 2007 is a day that I will never forget...I hope I never forget that day, at least. To forget what happened that day would be, in my case, to forget what the Lord has brought me from, where He's taken me since then, and the many undeserved gifts & blessings He's chosen to bestow upon me; particularly, the gift of life.

The summer of 2007 was an interesting one for me. I was fresh out of college, having earned two Bachelor's degrees with honors (technically). I moved back in with my parents (depression & isolation waiting to happen) to begin my quest to pay back my debt...educational and otherwise. However, in spite of my qualifications and success, I found myself working overnights as a convenience store clerk in the Springfield ghetto...Meth Country, basically; this paid barely enough to finance my search for a real job during the day, like the jobs filled by people like me with education. Needless to say, I was having a very hard time with things before "it" went down.

On the morning of the 20th, I came home from work to eat breakfast and dress up so I could apply for substitute teaching in the boonies. It had literally been raining non-stop all night, but because the Ozarks is known for bizarre weather patterns, and because working overnights had eaten my soul by that point, I thought nothing of it. Had I actually turned on a radio or TV, I would've been thinking differently.

While driving outside of Walnut Grove, MO, it began raining so hard that it was impossible to see anything clearly. With that being said, I inadvertently drove right into 2 feet of water (and counting) on a flooded bridge. My car died instantly, and as the current grew stronger, my car was swept off the road. In my failed attempt to make it across the bridge, I grabbed onto a sign, which eventually gave way, pushing me upstream.

The fact that I made it out alive is clearly a miracle. At that point, it was irrelevant, as I was broke, without a vehicle, isolated from meaningful relationships, and going nowhere in life. It didn't help that my boss still made me go to work that night, either.

My point is that on August 20, 2007, I was literally forced to abandon my hopes and plans for the future...or at least my perception of God's plans for me. Apparently God & I have some communication issues...hmm.

I've written more than enough, as those who know me already know the rest of the story for the most part. I still find myself wanting a lot of things that God's not allowing me to have. I still find myself asking God a lot of "Why?" and "When?" questions. Nevertheless, today I am closer to my Creator than ever, and continuing to grow closer to Him. I am nowhere close to having my debt paid off, but He is providing me with the finances I need (though I'm still making less than even most teachers). I am even enjoying living in community with several other like-minded individuals, and am blessed to remain friends with even a few who are not-so-near.

As we continue reading up on each other and searching for blog-worth inspiration, remember the following: a life lived outside of God's plans is not worth living; if you find yourself questioning God's plans for your life, do not forget that He is a mighty, sovereign God. As you ask Him to reveal Himself, be prepared for a God-sized response. He can move the mountains...even moreso, your vehicle.

-TS

Starting Over?

2008-06-09T14:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've been able to write a serious blog of any sort, and today is no exception. However, today I was greatly encouraged to learn that some of my former Xanga buddies are making a return to the Blogosphere. In addition to expressing my own self through writing, I love to read the words of others, especially those I have the pleasure of knowing personally.

I also just realized that I'm only stating the obvious...or moreso, the redundant. Nevertheless, consider this my public statement of my intention to begin writing regularly again. My creative side and I have been apart for quite some time, and my soul longs to be reunited with this, its other half.

P.S. To clear up confusion (Cary & Joel), I actually re-titled my blog so that it now reads "A Life-Related Blog". I'm not far into my new job, but something tells me that health insurance is not very blog-worthy.

Career Change?

2008-04-25T16:38:00.000-05:00

This morning I accepted a job offer which includes significantly better pay, less of a commute, normal daytime hours, and of course, MUCH less stress than my current position. The funny thing is, I'm not even using either of my degrees (though I'd assume holding a bachelor's degree plays some role in determining my starting pay). I will be starting as a customer service rep. for a third-party administrator. Not exactly what I saw myself doing out of college, but I'll take it. The last several months I've felt strongly led career-wise into the direction of the business world. My goals right now are to pursue an M.B.A. and claw my way into human resources somewhere. The best part is that the EPOCH Group (where I'll be working) is a subsidiary of BlueCross BlueShield of Kansas City, meaning I will have plenty of opportunity for advancement; at PFH, however, it did not take me long to see I was led right into a dead end. But, case management has served its purpose for me, and I truly do feel I've gained something from this position.

I will spare you all the sappy details. However, the purpose of this "work-related" blog has been defeated, as I will be drastically changing jobs. I suppose I'll have to do some tweaking.

P.S. Last week I interviewed for a similar case management position, where I had the opportunity to explain my company's unethical billing practices and lack of overall structure. Following the interview, one of the interviewers approached me to say that PFH hasn't changed a bit since 10 years ago when she worked for them. Ouch.

2008-04-17T11:53:00.001-05:00

I am possibly breaking confidentiality here (and therefore breaking federal law), but seriously, who in their right mind names their daughter Rusti?!

Awkward Co-Workers

2008-03-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm obviously back from Florida, and it's been a rough week as far as re-adjusting to my responsibilities here. However, I think I'm doing much better now than I was at the beginning of the week. Now that the week is almost at a close, here's a snipet of a conversation I just had with our OCD/passive-aggressive receptionist:

Her: Tim, I'm leaving for the day. I've already talked to Cris (our boss) and she's aware of it.

Me: Ok...are you not feeling well or something?

Her: No, I'm not, really.

Me: Oh...is it a cold or something?

Her: No, it's my time of the month and it's killing me! Hey - you asked, right?

Me: Hmmm....

Ok, I know it's a natural, biological thing. But wow...what do you do with that? I also have to say that menstruation and mood disorders can't be a good combination. At all.

Burnout

2008-03-11T16:27:00.000-05:00

Has anything ever given you that "uggghhh" feeling on contact? If so, then you know as well as I do that it's the feeling of burnout. I'm definitely feeling it too - enough that I've almost stopped caring about the 30 hour/week quota I'm required to meet. You know you're burnt out on your job when you're ok with not meeting the biggest requirement for keeping your job.

It's fitting that the header on my blog says "The Other Side...Of What?", because for now I know "what" - Friday. But it's not just the start of any weekend to rest up for the next week. This Friday marks the start of my week of paid vacation! While the rest of our short-handed staff is slaving away, I'll be experiencing a different kind of burnout: the kind that involves the sun, my white skin getting less white, and of course, hot white sandy beaches!

Of course after that's all over, I'll be back to the daily grind...unpaid overtime, pee tests, driving a big ugly blue van around the KC suburbs, bureaucracy, you name it. But all I know is that next week I won't have to worry about that. And, without next week, the week after next would suck even worse.

Winter Bug

2008-02-28T20:22:00.000-06:00

For the last couple of months, I've repeatedly stated how surprised I am that I haven't caught the winter bug that everyone else has, considering I spend so much time around teenage boys who don't practice the best hygiene, and that I handle so much of their pee on a daily basis. While my body continually fights disease valiantly, all it took was one night of only 4 hours of sleep to precipitate what I knew was coming eventually.

In all honesty, it hasn't been that bad. However, at random times of the day I find myself completely exhausted and unable to concentrate for very long. The ability to use my brain is pretty much shot as well. So here I am, two days behind on paperwork. I'm going to leave it that way yet again, as I am starving and getting kind of sleepy.

For this reason, guess where I'll most likely be spending my Friday night: right here in this office.

Adolescent Graveyard

2008-02-14T19:20:00.000-06:00

For every client that comes into this program, our counselors perform an evaluation known as the Global Appraisal of Individual Needs (GAIN). On the GAINs, there are a ton of questions the client has to answer, and they are broken down into several categories and sub-categories. For example:

Sexual Activity and Orientation. ***** reported no history of having any kind of sex with another person. He identified that his current sexual preference is for females only.

Of course, I can guarantee you that the number of our adolescent clients that have actually been honest in this section has been extremely low. Either a) they don't want to say how bad they've been, or b) they're too prideful to admit they ain't gettin' any. But I digress.

This is probably what disturbs me the most:

Spirituality. ***** considers himself to be a Non-denominational Christian, considers these religious or spiritual beliefs to be very strong, considers these religious or spiritual beliefs to be very important and considers these religious or spiritual beliefs to be an influence on decisions.

Granted, this is not what one would find in most of our gains. However, it almost horrifies me that so many people are ignorant to the reality of what that means. Even worse, they pass these faulty ideas on from generation to generation. The client in particular whose GAIN I copied that from could not be living more contrary to that. From my experiences, I don't even see a hint of Christ in him. I'll spare you the details.

Only in WASP middle-class suburbia...except not at all. It's one thing to be adamantly rebellious and carnal, but if I really knew how many people around us were among the walking deceived, I'm sure I'd be in tears.

Oh God, wake these people up from their slumber. Vaccinate the epidemic that is their spiritual deception; let it crumble at your living Word. May even one small part of the mounds of worthless crap I'm doing be used by you to change one of these kids' lives and bring them to freedom in Christ.

Bureaucracy At Its Finest

2008-01-17T19:28:00.000-06:00

I decided I needed to make a second blog for today, as there was another interesting event that happened within the craziness of today.

During a group session today, the kids were lamenting over the lack of a convenience store within walking distance (which the old office had), and talking about how hungry they were. So, for whatever reason, I decided I could take them all down the road to Taco Bell during one of our breaks. This was going to take 15-minutes, tops.

While we were pulling in, the office called me on the van cell phone (yes, we have a cell phone, for the company van), asking me to pick up another kid in Lee's Summit while I was out. It turned out that this kid lives on the far south side of Lee's Summit - there is a great distance from the north side (where we're located) to the south side...I guess that makes Lee's Summit skinny(?).

So about 20 minutes later, we're driving around this remote subdivision in the middle of nowhere, because our driver misread the mapquest directions he printed off. Finally, we find the house by a fluke.

Immediately after that, I get a phone call on the van cell phone from my supervisor. Basically, she said everyone was pissed at me because I took all the kids for that long (and apparently didn't tell her, which I didn't know I was supposed to do), and nobody could meet with kids to get their billing hours. Our program director and regional director were both in the office during this incident too, so that only escalated things. Later she called me in to her office to "reprimand" me. She gave me this form to sign which she filled out, stating that it was not a write-up, but that they had to document that we had this conversation and that the issue was resolved.*

*I worked at Wal-Mart for a month before I got this job. A very similar situation happened because my 1st week I worked too many hours, although one of my supervisors scheduled me those hours. They too said it was not a write-up, but weeks later when I told my co-workers about this, they all stated otherwise.

I think I'm done here, folks.

You Wanna Be A Case Manager Too!

2008-01-17T19:12:00.000-06:00

I just read on weather.com that the majority of people in the U.S. (who responded to their poll) work between 40-60 hours per week. Somehow that still doesn't make me feel better.

Today has been absolutely crazy-go-nuts. Since breakfast, I haven't had anything to eat except for a few potato chips. Our regional supervisor (boss's boss's boss's boss's....) asked us to be here early for staffing/intense file review. We had probably 20 files to do, and 3 hours later, we had 3 of them done. Immediately after that, since schools here were cancelled, we had to make phone calls to get the kids to come earlier than normal (so we could get out of here before 7 p.m.). As soon as I was done with mine, I was asked/made to pick up a kid in Blue Springs since our afternoon driver was not in yet. As soon as I get back, I was asked/made to pick up another kid all the way in Independence (the bad part, if that means anything to you)! So basically I'm driving for almost 2 hours straight. As soon as I finally get back from that, we have kids here, so I had to run group sessions for 3 hours. After that, I had to give UAs (pee tests) to some of the guys, then chase staff down to make sure the group logs were accurate, then update the group logs, then scan them and sent them to the corporate office.

And here we are: it has officially been an 11-hour day.

Now that we are moved into our new office space (a blog in itself), our higher-ups are really pushing us to hit the 30-hour billing quota (another blog in itself) that nobody here has been hitting since before I started working here. That's 6 hours a day, and thanks to the day's time-wasting activities, I'm still here trying to come up with the remaining 30 minutes of billing to meet my quota.

So, there you have it. Remember, tomorrow night is Friday, and while you're out bangin' your hoes, or bringin' all your boys to the yard with your milkshake, or whatever it is you do...this is where I'll be, and this is what I'll be doing.

2008-01-07T10:35:00.000-06:00

The new week has just now begun and I can already tell it's going to be a doozy.

On Thursday our office will be moving into a new building, and somehow we are still expected to continue our normal operations as if we haven't gone anywhere. The new building is basically exactly like this one - same square footage, and located in a shopping center - but unlike this building, it's actually been renovated since the 1980's. On Friday night I had the intention of staying late to get caught up on entering my notes, since I have such a happenin' weekend life and all. However, my boss's boss's boss's boss decided to take half of the clients' files home with her over the weekend (which I'm not sure is legal?), so she could audit them before they got audited for real. As a general rule, we need the files in order to pull information to complete the note and remain compliant with our accreditation service.

Now I have a client who is evading rehab. I waited for him at his school, called his house, called his mom's cell phone, and even went to his house, where his car and two other cars were sitting. But nothing. Yippee skippee. He has a court date this week, and I bet his mom is miraculously going to come out of the woodwork and ask me for a good progress report, in spite of the fact that he hasn't had a negative UA (pee test) yet. Good luck to you, ma'am.

I must go now. Our boss's boss's....boss left us 20+ pages of things to correct in the files. I know this is exciting stuff, but...it's ok to breathe now. :-)

Soooo....

2008-01-02T18:23:00.000-06:00

I guess you could say this is a new endeavor. New job, new location, new life, new blog...fitting for the new year, I suppose.

18 years of academia and tens of thousands of dollars later, I find myself in the real world.

My current occupation is a mix of social work and bureaucracy...or at least it's the best description I can come up with. With this line of work, I find the need to take frequent short breaks, which I typically spend looking for something on the Internet to stare at, like most people do. However, my favorite social networking sites are blocked at my place of employment; and, I've discovered recently that this here gem of a beauty is not blocked, so I thought I'd give it a go. Google, you've done it again. :-)

Maybe I can use this as a work-related blog...you know, for the interesting things that happen with the "druggies" I work with, which I'd otherwise forget to tell anyone about. Or, I'll post songs I write, or pointless, random, self-centered crap, just like everyone else. I guess we'll just have to see what happens from here.